Saturday, November 08, 2008


Katrina Kaif is god, I always knew that (yea off course god can be female, and in this era god can be only female), the movie was just revealing that secret.

Forget about the movie or even the book on which the movie was based. Although I think movie was better (at least it had some entertainment) than the book.

But what intrigued me was does god really speak, speak to us? And if yes then what does she say?
The last 2 things that are lacking in you (the filmi god's voice said) are:
1. Self-Confidence
2. Fear of loosing

I thought these 2 things are contradictory in some sense.

Fear of loosing:- We all have fear of loosing, loosing the things/people we love, even loosing the things that we don't have yet.
Is this fear wrong? Again like everything it depends upon the extent.
One can't stop the fear of loosing. Everything, everyone we love we want them to be with us forever and don't want that one wrong step of ours will result in us loosing it or them.
Be it in the stock markets or in your love life or professional life you are faced with many challenges everyday, where you have to take a decision. Your decision might result in you loosing your job, or the thing you like or the person you love.
So the big news is Fear of loosing is here to stay.
But yes I agree that the key is, that fear of loosing should not paralyze you from doing the things, things that you think are right (though it is very hard to draw a line between where this fear is normal and where it is paralyzing us.
At times you would be doing everything right but you still will loose.
But at the same time if we have no fear of loosing and jump into everything without giving a second thought and we keep on loosing then yes the first point 'Self-Confidence' that is going to go down.
To boost the self-confidence you need to win or at least not loose.

And yes I think the god does speak sometimes in the voices of people around you and sometimes as your inner voice, she does speak but at the end of the day she or anyone else does not give us solution to our problems.
It's for us to find out. It is a truism that we have to have more self-confidence but how we can develop it when we are beleaguered with several problems and are failing day after day? This solution nobody gives us, that is for us to find out.
So yes god does say 'Hello' every now and then but like other people and yes don't expect solutions to your problems from her.

Monday, September 08, 2008

Keep in touch...

Is it me or the world is really running short of friends nowadays?
The last time I had a big friends party was quite some time back, like an year and though I get to talk to a few friends here and there but it doesn't seem that there are a whole lot of friends there anymore.
Have the species called friends (or rather good friends) extinct?
Now whenever my phone rings or some one pings me on IM and he or she is an old friend of mine, I had to ask them "are you getting married?" or "are you going to states or are already in states?".
Friends don't really are in touch with friends anymore (and believe me I am not complaining just wondering).
Once upon a time there used to be a lot of friends in our lives and then the stories goes like this 'they got married' or 'they got into a job'(we would never think the reason to be that 'we got married' or 'we got into a job').
The job and married life has taken over so much that there is hardly anytime to be in touch with friends.
In such a case probably we remember our friends only when we want to share some happiness with others. And sharing happiness today means mostly an IM or a group email to everyone in our contact list informing that 'you have become father/mother', 'you are getting married' or 'you are moving to States or Switzerland or wonderland'. And once that mail goes out of our outbox most of the time our job of 'keeping in touch' ends there.
You said keep in touch and thanks to Sabir Bhatia and now gmail I am keeping in touch but I am sorry I can't stick around.
With the technology all around us and keeping in touch becoming as simple as dialing a number or connecting to internet we probably have stopped keeping in touch (its similar to a person living in New York for years and not having seen the statue of liberty).

Orkuting or some other type of 'ing' sites (the so called social networking sites and I am fed up of receiving a new invite every week to join a new social networking site) were supposed to be bringing friends closer (and a few did a pretty good job) but then after a while we got even so busy on the internet that we stop scrapping or messaging or walling...

Our life is pretty much surrounded with our office colleagues, neighbors, acquaintances and probably we are so much engrossed in our lives that we don't seem to need any one else, may be not even our old friends.

As someone told me once that I am turning into a narcissist, 5 minutes of thinking make me feel that probably most of us are.

And I am not sure if this is a good thing or bad but it surely has been a long time since I attended a friends reunion.

Sunday, August 03, 2008

Happy Friendship Day!!

Do we need such a day? I had asked myself some 5-6 years ago when I was walking towards the institute I had taken admission in.
There were few guys and gals around a shop and they had those things on their hands called "Friendship bands" (though I still am not a big fan of those things).

But that aside back then I couldn't find a suitable answer as to if we require such a day called Friendship Day as we all know, we don't need a day to remember friends, we don't need a special day to call up friends or hang out with them. And yes its kind of embarrassing to wish a friend you meet everyday a happy friendship day.

But times change and so our thinking and today as I sit far from all my friends and not in touch with them for long. I really needed this special day to think about all my friends and say hi to them, through messenger or mail or scraps, whatever. But yes life just get so busy and complex at times that you just can't think of anything or anyone that's not in front of you.

And may be girlfriends/boyfriends or spouse we wouldn't stop thinking about even if they are not in front of us but with friends we go ahead and take the liberty of forgetting them for a while with a surety at the back of our mind that they would still be there whenever we go back (when we have time).

We all have so many friends, the one's from kinder garden, the ones from high school, the ones from cricket field, the ones from college, etc. etc. etc. But all we can remember of are the colleagues/friends from the office or in today's age a few online friends. Day in and day out we are with them and it becomes hard for us to think of the friends in the past.

And today I sit here thinking all my A-Z friends till now, they all matter a lot in some or the other way.
One of them helped me out with money when I needed it the most, the other one completed my biology diagrams before the exams, the other one lend me his bike when I wanted to take my girlfriend out, one of them was with me when I was down and out, the other one gave me strength and kept me fighting when I was searching for job, one of them introduced to the girl I liked, one of them accompanied me when I wanted to attend another of my friend in hospital, one of them helped my parents when I was not around, one of them was always there when everyone was standing against me, one of them left his classes and workouts and stayed with me when I was heartbroken, one of them always listened to me however her mood was, one of them fought for me when I had a class fight, one of them always got the movie tickets for me, one of them suggested me to go towards a career, one of them covered for me in the office when I was late, one of them was always there to answer complex questions about my life. And many many others. And the best part all of them believe in me and want me happy and did all they can to keep me happy.

People come in our lives and go away and sometimes our lives get badly affected by it. But we have our "Friends" who will always be there taking care of us and making sure we are happy.
Though there are friends who are far apart and today we don't have much contact with them but for sure they were their for us when we needed them and have affected a major part of our lives and for sure will always be there for us whenever we need them and probably we will again sometimes cross paths.

But till then we always remember them in some or the other way but its a good day to tell them that we do remember them.
To all my friends I had in my life till now, Thank You for everything and
Happy Friendship Day!!

Tuesday, July 08, 2008

Life Cycle of an Indian Software Developer

An Indian software developer life cycle is an array of processes that a candidate* goes through to become a software developer. It has its roots in the software development life cycle. There exists no correct model for the same but the steps can be divided as follows:

1. Pre Concept Phase
Case# 1: My dad asked me to do B.E. so I did and only god can explain as to how I cleared my engineering with just 15% of attendance. Interest? Are you kidding? Who can be interested in the circuit diagrams? I am sure I am not meant for this or the other way round.

Case# 2: It's already been 2 years trying to find a job but this world is not meant for civil engineers. Did everything possible, worked for free for 6 months. Helped out my uncle's friend in his contract but still not getting a decent job. I already knew there is no life for a civil engineer, need to find out something else.

Case# 3: that I have completed my graduation, Dad is after me to do something. Do what? Do I really need to do something? Isn't there an easy job for me in this world? MBA, MBA, MBA....I heard it so many times but don't the people who suggest me this understand that to get an admission into a good MBA institute you have to clear that entrance and if I would have been so brilliant to clear that entrance then why the bloody hell would I be sitting in this tea shop every day thinking what to do. But I am sure there is something in this world that I can do or I would be good at.

2. Concept Phase
Case# 1: This is a serious problem, I need to do something. After all some of my batch mates are already in job. Some are pursuing MBA/MCA or some higher studies. This computer business sounds interesting, my pals told me it’s a high earning job. Rahul from previous batch is already earning 20K in 2 years time. I guess I should also join this stream.

Case# 2: It's already been 2 years searching for job and I don't know how much more time will it take to get a decent job and I don't even know after that how many years will it take in that job to buy a car I always wanted. I need to do something else, I need to get out of this civil engineering, it wouldn't be of any good. These computer people seem to have all the good bikes and cars and enjoying in good restaurants, this must be the way to go. I know the solution, I have to get into computers field.

Case# 3: For sure I don't want to do MBA, who will clear that tough entrance and moreover after that 2 years of grueling studies and even after that you are not guaranteed a job. I need to do something quick, some job oriented course so that my dependency on my parents ends and that’s when they will stop preaching me. And those relatives suggesting 'you should do this?', 'Mr. Sharma's son did that course, why don't you that?', ' Why don't you try to get a job first?' will stop blabbering. This advertisement of a computer course is coming out every other day in the newspapers and it says 'Job guaranteed after course or 100% money back'. Sounds like something I would be interested in. I think I would do this. I would go into this 'Computers' thing.

3. Analysis
Case# 1: My friends are doing MCA and they tell it’s the best computer course, I will also do the same course.

Case# 2: I can't do 3 years MCA after wasting 2 years in search of the job, moreover where will the MCA fees come from? Dad doesn't have a penny to spend on me after paying for my engineering. And if I take another 3 years for studies, I guess by then all of my hairs would turn grey and wouldn't even get a decent girl to marry. But then which of these computer institutes is good? Why are they making it so difficult to choose? How do I know if I want to a do a 'QA course' or want to get a 'PNIIT' certificate or I want to be an 'Oracle developer’? And what's the deal with this 'hardware course'? Wouldn't every course teach you at least to repair the computer? My uncle's cousin is doing this 1 year course from 'Sintech technologies' and they are also giving Diwali enrollment offer, 15% discount. And yes he was telling me they are not too many people in one batch so a computer is to be shared only between 2. I think it’s worth the money, I would join it.

Case# 3: Job guarantee or money back and in addition to it this institute is on the posh J.B. Road always surrounded by pretty girls. I would definitely ask for an evening batch. Did you just say analysis? Didn't you notice I just did that?

4. Design
What all will I be covering during the course? Are the course contents good enough to make me ready for this field or I need something additional to fair well in this field? What will I be learning at the end of this course? Is there a process that would be followed during this course?

Case# 1, 2, 3: What are you talking about? Are you talking in Greek? If I am doing all, what am I paying the computer institute for. Let's go to implementation, I don't have enough time for your questions.

5. Construction

Stage 1:
Case# 1:
This subject is aptly named 'SAD', it really makes me sad. And who in the world is coding in assembly language? Why are they teaching me all this?

Case# 2: I don't get enough lab time, that idiot lab partner of mine screws up every program. How am I supposed to learn? I can't buy a computer at home, Dad would never agree after paying the fees for the institute. But I don't want to finish last in every lab test.

Case# 3: I have missed many classes already, I need to attend rest of them and most importantly I need to copy the notes from Nilesh before that next week's test. Thank god I have him as lab partner otherwise it would have taken me an year to write that linked list program in C. If C is so tough I don't think I would even get a hang of C++ in next semester.

Stage 2:
Case# 1:
Probability, Networking, Graphics, PoM, godddd... what I have got myself into. Why did I choose this field? If I would have studied so hard earlier I would have cracked IIT or something like that. Moreover are these things going to do any good in the market outside? People are learning C#, Java, CGI/Perl and we don't have a clue about it. Outdated course, and that Data Structure professor seems like she will never let any one go out of this college. On top of that only 50% of the last batch was recruited last year, don't know what will happen this year. I need to complete the semester project, clear all the papers for this year and a couple of back logs, god help me. Why am I in this field? After spending so much I can't even quit.

Case# 2: Year is coming to an end and I can't even understand why we create our own multiple constructors when by default there is one and what benefit is going to be if I create objects? I missed that Mobile computing class that day and now I have to prepare for it myself, no body seems to understand that subject. There are so many programs to write and now on top of that this library management project. Should I make it in or Java? I wanted to make chat server in Java but I don't want to take chances with my results (after all I want job also). I wish I had a computer at my home.

Case# 3: I should have understood earlier that this institute is bad. Half of the times there is no professor and the ones that are there, most of them are previous batch students who haven't got a job. And on top of that they are now telling me that if I score more than 80% of marks then only the job is guaranteed. That bi*** Raima screwed my career, for first 6 months when she needed free lunches, gifts and bike rides she was with me and when that NRI marriage proposal came, she jumped onto it. I am screwed, I am screwed, I am screwed...

6. Testing
Case# 1: Thank god at least the papers are over. And thanks to Sameer's uncle he gave me that live project certificate from his company for the last semester. The PoM went well, it would take effort for the professor to understand that Gantt chart I drew (because even I didn't understood what I drew) and it would be virtually impossible for the professor to pass me in the Probability paper, I would be happy with the minimum too. God just pass me in all the papers, I need a job. I will go mad if I have to give any of these papers again.

Case# 2: I managed to get an 'A' in the library management project, I figure in the top 5 students of the batch and the final papers were decent except for the radix sort algorithm. If I remain in the top 5 then there is chance of getting any job interview otherwise don't know what I will do. I need a job....

Case# 3: The 2 papers pretty much similar to what was told to me by a batch mate (who maintained a good relationship with the instructor) so they went fine but apart from that other 3 papers I don't even think I will pass. But if they don't pass me I will not leave them, Job they can't give me at least after taking 40K tuition fees they can give me a certificate. They have to pass me.

7. Deployment
Case# 1: After 2 months of struggle, 5 interviews and countless written tests I have managed to secure a job in a decent company, the company is multinational (as is every other company coming to the campus in last 2 months). They have hired me as a software developer for Microsoft technologies. Salary offered is decent. Is this what I was expecting in the beginning? I am not sure but I am happy at this moment and after 3 years and four months of struggle I am not complaining, at least I have a job.

Case# 2: You don't have a degree in computer science Diploma from a private institute is not enough; you don't have any experience in this industry. Why do you want to switch from civil engineering to computers? I was listening to all this crap when I started looking out for job by myself after 1 month sitting in institute, waiting for some companies to come for recruitment. After listening to 2 months to all those statements/questions at last I got an offer from a company, they offered me to keep as a Trainee with minimum pay and if I performed well in 3 months they would keep me as a developer. They liked my work in 2 months and after 2 months I was on their payrolls as a software developer. I have a developer job at last.

Case# 3: The institute passed me and gave me a certificate without hassles though I scored 50% in all. As soon as the course finished the parents were again after me to get a job. "We invested so much money, get a job". Now you know as well as I do how good a programmer I am. I can create a web page with some difficulty but don't ask me as to why there is a '# include' or what does 'inherits' mean. I have learnt it that way and that’s about it, I will code like that (I think all of those things are required, without which page wouldn't work). And don't even ask me linked list, though I have also written a linked list program (I learnt it by heart as someone told me that was coming in test) like others in my batch but I have never seen a list figure (as depicted in books) on anyone's machine. Nevertheless to end the every day arguments with my parents I took a lab attendant job in one of the computer institute's in the city, thanks again to my lab partner (who was by now a good friend) Nilesh. Computers were really tough and may be not the stream I wanted to be in. But now that I am in it (and can't get out of it) I am trying to learn all the nuisances of programming properly to get a developer's job.

8. Lessons Learnt
Case# 1: There is a difference between doing B.E. and doing M.C.A. it isn’t that easy as it sounds. I didn't knew at the beginning what I was getting into but in the end I managed to get through.
Do I like being called a software developer? In the outside world when people look impressed about the profession then I do like it but while learning it or working in software it is no different than any other stream, involves as much blood and sweat as any other and some cases more.

Case# 2: I know the difference between being a Developer, Tester, DBA, HTML Designer, etc. etc. I jumped into this field not knowing what I wanted to be in this field but then by the end of the course I knew I had to code, I wanted to be a programmer. I think this is the right field for me. And no they don't teach to repair computer in software courses. No not even with 3 year course.

Case# 3: Someone who is not fit to be in any other field can become a developer is not really true. May be anyone can come into the computer industry and find a job but not everyone can be a software developer. After all not everyone in the world understands 10 as binary.

*Candidate is defined as any engineer, doctor, musician, graduate, artist, lawyer, factory worker, etc. who turns towards software industry thinking it as a 'Who wants to be a millionaire show' and thinking it to be the ultimate solution to his financial problems.

Saturday, July 05, 2008


By the time I would finish writing this piece, I am sure everyone in India would be aware about Aditi and Jai. And most probably every guy would be thinking about their Aditi and the gals about their Jai...

It's an age old confusion that is depicted in another way (good) in 'Jaane tu...' and anyone coming out of the theatre would be forced to think about the Aditi or Jai in their lives...

Can we live our lives alone? Can we fight with the odds in our lives alone? Can we achieve all we want, all alone? In most of the cases the answer is 'No'.

Every guy needs an Aditi in their lives. The lucky ones already have an Aditi in their lives...

Aditi is one who would brings smile to your face, she is the one whom you want to be with.

Aditi is one who, when infront of you, will make you forget every bad thing thats happened to you, every problem in your life. She is the one for whom you would leave anything. She is the one for whom you want to do something and everything, whom you want to keep happy whatever it takes.

But is there an Aditi for everyone? Is everyone of us lucky enough to have Aditi?

Not everyone has an Aditi in his life and may be some of us will never have an Aditi.

But the unlucky are the ones who have and Aditi for them but they just don't realise it...

Sunday, April 20, 2008

Marriage and Smiles...

I am not usually a "forward" reader (and rarely people send me forwards) but sometimes when my mood is off I try to go through the small list of forwards sitting in my mail box.
Here is one that made me smile the other day:

Toofaani Barish

Aadhi raat

Ramlal, Pizza Hut pe pizza lene aaya

Waiter: Kya aap Married hain?

Ramlal: Kutte! Aisi toofani barish main, kaunsi Maa apne bete ko pizza lene bhejegi?

And here are a few good lines which one of my Friend Kiran Telangi sent along with his marriage card, they are really good and aptly describes "Marriage".

"We are all a little weird and life's a little weird, and when we find
Someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours,
We join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it marriage"

Kiran Many congratulations!! and here's wishing this "weirdness" continues throughout your life.

Sunday, March 09, 2008

Funny Business

There are times in every relationship that we think that it is perfect, nothing adverse is going to happen and we might just 'live happily ever after'. There are good times and then there are scary ones in every relationship but unless the things get worse we still think or hope that things would work out and we would go back to having the same strong bond as earlier.
Sometimes they do and sometimes they don't.

I was having dinner with my long time friend Vishal and his family, which included his wife Supriya and her around an year old beautiful daughter whom they named 'Vidya'.
She was clinging to her mother's shoulder while we shared some jokes over the dinner table.

I have known Vishal since I was 12, I used to play cricket every evening. Once there was a match with another team which we lost, nevertheless that day I made a new friend in Vishal.
I don't clearly remember how we started but it had something to do with balling the right length.
Since then we started playing together and we used to go out and have fun on his bike.
We studied in different schools but we used to meet every day and there were times when I would spend days at his home and he at mine, without our parents worrying.

From class 10th to completing the graduation he had at least 5 relations (I wouldn't like to call them relations but he does). He wasn't very good at studies and just managed to pass. I still remember his father shouting at him so many times about getting serious in life. But he had his own ideas about studies and work.
He never got serious in anything be it studies, work, relationships or any other aspect of life.
After completing 12th we both joined the same college for graduation.
I left the city after graduation and today after 7 years I was meeting him. We tried to keep contact through phone and emails but it rarely works.
But now when I was visiting my city after so long I had to meet him and see as to how he was doing.
The dinner was going very well and we were sharing old anecdotes and discussing all the teachers and batch mates. His wife was very comfortable with the conversation and seemed like she was enjoying her time.
Suddenly he asked, do you know about Tarun and Sneha?
I have heard something last year from one of my batch mates regarding them.
I nodded in the air thinking something, 'a little', I replied.

It was my first day at campus and it was raining heavily, I was rushing to the dormitories when I saw Tarun and Sneha for the first time. They waved a hello to me shouting a question in the rain 'First year?'. I smiled back and nodded.

Tarun and I became friends in no time, half the reason was that I had spent some time in Delhi around the same area where Tarun mentioned his house was. It so often happens that we easily become friends with people from same place, even though we have not met them there.

Tarun and Sneha both of them had separate dormitories nevertheless they were inseparable.
They attended the classes together, they lunched and dined together, they studied together and and yes off course watched the movies together.

They were so much into each other but they still maintained friendship with others too and almost every one in the class liked them.
The best part of their relationship was they both were so matched in every sense, if Sneha was beautiful then Tarun would also make the girls skip their heartbeats because of his looks.
Who was better at studies? Surprisingly they both were equally good or equally bad. And there doing combined studies helped both of them. If one was in a bad mood the other knew exactly how to fix it. Most of the times they would be complimenting each other in everything they do.

I still remember the day when Sneha fell ill due to cold how Tarun woke up for 2 whole nights to look after her.
3 months into the semester and I became very good friends with both of them. There were times when I would share lunch with them and at times I would ask them to help me out with studies.
To me, like anyone else they seemed a 'Perfect Couple'.
Though no one would say it explicitly but everyone in the class wished they had such a relationship in their lives.
The time passed and we all graduated and went our own ways.
Tarun wanted to look for a job so that he can marry Sneha immediately. And when I left he was searching for the job.
Since then I have not heard anything about them. For me it was a predetermined story, he would find a job both would get married and in 2 years time would be parents.

Last year when I was online chatting with one of my batch mates, he told me that Sneha and Tarun got married but within 2 years they got divorced and now Tarun is pursuing MBA and Sneha left the city.

"What exactly happened between them?" I asked Vishal coming out of my visions from the past.
Vishal looked at the corner where Supriya was playing with their daughter and a couple of other kids, thinking something he started. I really don't know what went wrong with them, why they took it to an extreme. I and Supriya, we talked to both of them but it was not meant to be.

6 months into the marriage they started having small fights amongst them as to what all things they don't have in their house and what all they need.
Tarun struggled for a while and then got a small job after coming out of graduation, which was not very high paying. They both got married, they rented a house and started their lives.
But slowly and gradually they started to think that they were not having the happiness they always wanted.
They wanted to buy every possible luxury but Tarun's salary wasn't enough. Tarun didn't wanted Sneha to work.
Sneha started getting frustrated as she was not allowed to work and she didn't even had the luxuries she always wanted after a married life.
The small fights grew up into big ones and at times it went up to the extent, where Sneha told Tarun that it was her mistake to marry him and he telling her that it was his own mistake that he married her otherwise he could have done MBA and would have had a great career.

There were days when Sneha went onto to stay at her Mother's place for weeks but then came back. But it had to end sooner or later.
And one day after a big fight between them, both of them decided not to go further with it.
They decided to get divorce.
I explained them a lot that these things happen in married life and also told Tarun that I will help him in getting a good job but he said that it wasn't only about his job, probably they were not meant to be together.
Vishal's voice became hoarse as he stopped, by this time Supriya was back and sitting next to him. She hold his hand and her daughter still clinging tightly to her.

For a few minutes there was silence, both of us were immersed in deep thoughts. Probably he was also thinking the same, of the time we saw both of them as a 'perfect pair' and everything related to them.

Vishal took a sip of his coffee which must have been cold by now, 'It's funny how the things don't work out sometimes', he said.
I nodded but suddenly I looked towards Supriya then Vishal and then to their daughter who was trying to stretch and reach to her father chuckling all the way.
I smiled and thought 'It's funny how sometimes they do'.

Saturday, February 09, 2008

What do I really want?

Life is so complex at times or may be most of the times for some. There is always a path to choose, there is always a decision to make.
The other day I was buying t-shirts for myself (I am way too bad at choices, when it comes to clothes specially) and again I got stuck up with 3 t-shirts which I liked, after half an hour of struggle I could narrow it down to 2. But I wanted to buy only one and I wasn't able to choose between the blue/black and red/white ones.
I liked both of them equally and even though I wanted to buy one I ended up buying both of them and after wearing both of them once I realized I didn't like either of them that much that I could have spent $40 dollars on each.

Neways so the bottom line is life is complicated at every stage, or people like me make it sound unnecessarily complicated. Whatever, but for me buying good clothes for myself is as difficult as, let us say writing an exam.
As difficult it is for me to figure out which t-shirt I want, more or less same is the case with many other things in life for all of us.
We at times (and by at times I mean most of the times) are stuck up with the situations where we don't know what we really want.

In my life till now I have heard this line at least a million times "Do what you really want to do".
Sometimes there are movie stars, celebrities on the television always telling us at the end of their interviews, "Do what you really like", "Do what you really want to do".

Umpteen number of times we come across these lines in newspapers, magazines, books, quotes from some inspiring person.
"Always do what you really want to do in life, whatever inspires you, whatever you like" and when you will do the things you like, you will start enjoying the work, the work will never be work for you again.

Always when I hear or read such lines it forces me to think " What do I really want?".
There are days when I think I am totally screwing up my life, then there are days when I think that I am not doing that bad.

There are days when I think, "do I want to be in the job that I am in?" On a bad weather day (when I am bored at office by doing the same work again and again or would have had some sort of argument at office, or wouldn't get the salary increment that I expect and my friends in other
careers did better than me and many other such occasions) yes I think that I am in a wrong job, I don't want to do this.
But then there are days when I have interesting work, I am doing something creative, I come to know that I am earning much more than my friends in other careers, when I excel in my work, when I am appreciated by my seniors. Those are the times when I think yes this is the right job for me, I always wanted to do this.
I always think is it only me? Am I the only person who doesn't know what I really want?
Is rest of the world very clear about what they want in their lif?
Luckily, the answers to all such types of questions mostly is No.

When Snigdha fell in love with Ranbir (or at least she thought she did), she was going through a rough patch. It had been less than 2 months since her previous relationship, with Saurabh ended. Both would blame each other for that (as it usually happens) but deep inside in her heart she knew she wanted it to end. And the reason? she wasn't sure of the same.
She just got bored of the relationship, probably. Was this the first time for her?

Hell no, she had at least (if not more) 5 relationships since school. And more or less each of them met the same fate.

She did a bachelor in arts and she didn't knew why. Most of her friends were doing it and she couldn't come up with a better reason and told her parents that she "wants to do it".

Unless you have medieval parents, now a days parents would allow their children to do anything as long as they can convince them that they really want to do something (off course they would always bless you with their advice for doing or not doing something).

Mom I really want to learn this thing, Dad I really really want to go to this college, Mom/Dad I really love this dress and want it. Dad I really want to marry him/her. And I think in this generation they would rarely say no (provided you yourself are really clear and confident of what you want to do).

Sonali was one such girl whom I had rarely seen unhappy (except for some silly girly arguments with her girlfriends). I always loved to talk to her. She was one person to whom whenever I went I would come back smiling (regardless how bad my mood was).
She was a chatterbox, always so in to herself, I did this, I went there, I am planning on this, etc. etc. And yes after she is done with herself she would make it a point to ask you how you were and would always provide you with advice (which she always thought was good).
But luckily for me, by the time she was done talking about herself I would always be good and hence less advices for me.
She was one such person whom I had seen being very clear about what she wanted from her life.
Though studying in 11th , she had her whole life figured out.
Often when I was sitting with her asking what she wants to be, she would read out her complete life plan. I want to pass 12th first, shouldn't get third division, 2nd is fine with my parents and then I would be doing B.Com in xyz college (why in that college? because some of her relative(s) daughter has studied there and they were saying it was good).
And once I have done my bachelors I am not going to study any further. By that time my Parents would have already chosen some good match for me, would marry him and settle down, end of story.
The toughest choices she had to made in her life were which lipstick or which shoes would go with her dress ( and believe me she can take more than 4 hours figuring that out).
Though I was not a fan of her way of living life (where everything was so very much planned), nevertheless I also envied her that she was so clear about what she wants in her life. It is not hard for her to make decisions or choose between right and wrong for her.

Ranbir has often questioned Snigdha, if she really loved him and if she really wanted to be with him. And always she has replied with a yes.
Initially there were times in their relationship when she wouldn't have left him ever, if she would be at home, she would give him a call. If she would be talking to someone else, attending a function she would message him. But after 6 months of relationship, things were not same.
Ranbir on one hand, skeptical initially has started to love her deeply and care for her and Snigdha on the other hand has started to drift away from him. She would be involved in her own life, in her parents, in her friends and sometimes with her relatives. She would go to meet Ranbir whenever he would call her but not otherwise. The phone calls lessened the SMS stopped and whenever Ranbir would call her she would try to talk her way out by giving some or the other reason to him.
"I don't know, I really don't know", she was shouting in desperation as I enjoyed my coke on that hill top.
The hill top was a good place, we (as like many other students) used to come there, it was a quite place and you can see a big green patch of land from there. And if you shout the voice will resonate (and couples used to like proclaim there love for their partners by shouting from that hill top).

"What do you mean you don't know?", I asked. Its simple either you love him or not, either you want to be with him or not.
No, it's not that simple. I love him and he loves me. He loves me like crazy, like no one has ever loved me before. He does everything to keep me happy and I know he will always do that.
But I am confused. I want to be with him whenever I want. I want him to be around me whenever I need him. But I don't know if I want to marry him, he was talking about marriage, about meeting his parents and stuff. I am scared, I am confused, I just don't know what to do.

"You really don't know what you want girl. "
"Exactly thats what I am saying", she screamed.

I have known Snigdha for like 5 years and I knew she wasn't a sadist. She was the one who would help out anyone and everyone if the need be. She had her preferences but at the same time she made sure that she was not hurting anyone willfully.
But this indecision of hers has led to her failed relationships. Not knowing what you really want can sometimes be more fatal than knowing it one way or the other.

She couldn't decide if she wanted to be with him and he wanted her to be pretty sure before going forward, as it was affecting their relationship. She broke off with Ranbir after 1 month.

One fine day when I was online, someone with the name of pretty_girl88 tried to add me. Turned out it was Sonali after all, she got my Id from some classmate. It had been more than 6 years since we talked.
I was very much interested in knowing if her plans materialized. They did. All of them.
After passing 12th she did B.Com (never fell in love) and yes her parents found a businessman in delhi for her, she got married an year after she completed her bachelors.
We chatted continuously for more than a week, we both were happy to be talking to each other after so long.

The next month while I was visiting a friend of mine in Delhi, I met herat a restaurant.
But she had changed, the Sonali I so loved listening to and after talking with whom I would forget my bad mood, she had changed. She wasn't talking as much as she used to.
"Are you happy that things turned out to be the way you wanted them to?", I asked.
"You know what?", she said "I don't really know if this is what I wanted".

At the end of the day we are just humans, there are things that we sometimes don't understand. Why we love, why we love someone specific, why we choose one thing over the other, why we decided on what we decided. These are things for which we do not have any answers.
And what we really want, there are times when we can't tell.
It's true that our decisions our choices make up or screw our lives and it would have been good if we would have always known what we want for ourselves but if we don't then just keep on going with the life, as we are never sure that what we might have wanted for ourselves would have been right.

As they say:
मन का हो तो बहुत अच्छा और मन का न हो तो उससे भी अच्छा

Sunday, February 03, 2008

Getting Back....

Getting back to something or someone is always difficult (unless that something or someone is toxic). For quite some time I wanted to return back to my blog and start writing again, but for the reasons unknown to me I wasn't able to. Suddenly I realise that it has been more than 1 year since I posted on my blog (I always thought it was just a few days back that I posted a story).
There is a lot to write, lot to share, lot of stories which I want to tell. So I think this short committment to myself (in writing) will keep on reminding me, my blogs is waiting for me.
I would post something interesting soon and would get back.
I want to get back to it.

PS: Till then I would leave you all with the beautiful NYC christmas pics.

Have a look at the beautiful shop decorations, penny harvest and christmas tree.