Saturday, February 09, 2008

What do I really want?

Life is so complex at times or may be most of the times for some. There is always a path to choose, there is always a decision to make.
The other day I was buying t-shirts for myself (I am way too bad at choices, when it comes to clothes specially) and again I got stuck up with 3 t-shirts which I liked, after half an hour of struggle I could narrow it down to 2. But I wanted to buy only one and I wasn't able to choose between the blue/black and red/white ones.
I liked both of them equally and even though I wanted to buy one I ended up buying both of them and after wearing both of them once I realized I didn't like either of them that much that I could have spent $40 dollars on each.

Neways so the bottom line is life is complicated at every stage, or people like me make it sound unnecessarily complicated. Whatever, but for me buying good clothes for myself is as difficult as, let us say writing an exam.
As difficult it is for me to figure out which t-shirt I want, more or less same is the case with many other things in life for all of us.
We at times (and by at times I mean most of the times) are stuck up with the situations where we don't know what we really want.

In my life till now I have heard this line at least a million times "Do what you really want to do".
Sometimes there are movie stars, celebrities on the television always telling us at the end of their interviews, "Do what you really like", "Do what you really want to do".

Umpteen number of times we come across these lines in newspapers, magazines, books, quotes from some inspiring person.
"Always do what you really want to do in life, whatever inspires you, whatever you like" and when you will do the things you like, you will start enjoying the work, the work will never be work for you again.

Always when I hear or read such lines it forces me to think " What do I really want?".
There are days when I think I am totally screwing up my life, then there are days when I think that I am not doing that bad.

There are days when I think, "do I want to be in the job that I am in?" On a bad weather day (when I am bored at office by doing the same work again and again or would have had some sort of argument at office, or wouldn't get the salary increment that I expect and my friends in other
careers did better than me and many other such occasions) yes I think that I am in a wrong job, I don't want to do this.
But then there are days when I have interesting work, I am doing something creative, I come to know that I am earning much more than my friends in other careers, when I excel in my work, when I am appreciated by my seniors. Those are the times when I think yes this is the right job for me, I always wanted to do this.
I always think is it only me? Am I the only person who doesn't know what I really want?
Is rest of the world very clear about what they want in their lif?
Luckily, the answers to all such types of questions mostly is No.

When Snigdha fell in love with Ranbir (or at least she thought she did), she was going through a rough patch. It had been less than 2 months since her previous relationship, with Saurabh ended. Both would blame each other for that (as it usually happens) but deep inside in her heart she knew she wanted it to end. And the reason? she wasn't sure of the same.
She just got bored of the relationship, probably. Was this the first time for her?

Hell no, she had at least (if not more) 5 relationships since school. And more or less each of them met the same fate.

She did a bachelor in arts and she didn't knew why. Most of her friends were doing it and she couldn't come up with a better reason and told her parents that she "wants to do it".

Unless you have medieval parents, now a days parents would allow their children to do anything as long as they can convince them that they really want to do something (off course they would always bless you with their advice for doing or not doing something).

Mom I really want to learn this thing, Dad I really really want to go to this college, Mom/Dad I really love this dress and want it. Dad I really want to marry him/her. And I think in this generation they would rarely say no (provided you yourself are really clear and confident of what you want to do).

Sonali was one such girl whom I had rarely seen unhappy (except for some silly girly arguments with her girlfriends). I always loved to talk to her. She was one person to whom whenever I went I would come back smiling (regardless how bad my mood was).
She was a chatterbox, always so in to herself, I did this, I went there, I am planning on this, etc. etc. And yes after she is done with herself she would make it a point to ask you how you were and would always provide you with advice (which she always thought was good).
But luckily for me, by the time she was done talking about herself I would always be good and hence less advices for me.
She was one such person whom I had seen being very clear about what she wanted from her life.
Though studying in 11th , she had her whole life figured out.
Often when I was sitting with her asking what she wants to be, she would read out her complete life plan. I want to pass 12th first, shouldn't get third division, 2nd is fine with my parents and then I would be doing B.Com in xyz college (why in that college? because some of her relative(s) daughter has studied there and they were saying it was good).
And once I have done my bachelors I am not going to study any further. By that time my Parents would have already chosen some good match for me, would marry him and settle down, end of story.
The toughest choices she had to made in her life were which lipstick or which shoes would go with her dress ( and believe me she can take more than 4 hours figuring that out).
Though I was not a fan of her way of living life (where everything was so very much planned), nevertheless I also envied her that she was so clear about what she wants in her life. It is not hard for her to make decisions or choose between right and wrong for her.

Ranbir has often questioned Snigdha, if she really loved him and if she really wanted to be with him. And always she has replied with a yes.
Initially there were times in their relationship when she wouldn't have left him ever, if she would be at home, she would give him a call. If she would be talking to someone else, attending a function she would message him. But after 6 months of relationship, things were not same.
Ranbir on one hand, skeptical initially has started to love her deeply and care for her and Snigdha on the other hand has started to drift away from him. She would be involved in her own life, in her parents, in her friends and sometimes with her relatives. She would go to meet Ranbir whenever he would call her but not otherwise. The phone calls lessened the SMS stopped and whenever Ranbir would call her she would try to talk her way out by giving some or the other reason to him.
"I don't know, I really don't know", she was shouting in desperation as I enjoyed my coke on that hill top.
The hill top was a good place, we (as like many other students) used to come there, it was a quite place and you can see a big green patch of land from there. And if you shout the voice will resonate (and couples used to like proclaim there love for their partners by shouting from that hill top).

"What do you mean you don't know?", I asked. Its simple either you love him or not, either you want to be with him or not.
No, it's not that simple. I love him and he loves me. He loves me like crazy, like no one has ever loved me before. He does everything to keep me happy and I know he will always do that.
But I am confused. I want to be with him whenever I want. I want him to be around me whenever I need him. But I don't know if I want to marry him, he was talking about marriage, about meeting his parents and stuff. I am scared, I am confused, I just don't know what to do.

"You really don't know what you want girl. "
"Exactly thats what I am saying", she screamed.

I have known Snigdha for like 5 years and I knew she wasn't a sadist. She was the one who would help out anyone and everyone if the need be. She had her preferences but at the same time she made sure that she was not hurting anyone willfully.
But this indecision of hers has led to her failed relationships. Not knowing what you really want can sometimes be more fatal than knowing it one way or the other.

She couldn't decide if she wanted to be with him and he wanted her to be pretty sure before going forward, as it was affecting their relationship. She broke off with Ranbir after 1 month.

One fine day when I was online, someone with the name of pretty_girl88 tried to add me. Turned out it was Sonali after all, she got my Id from some classmate. It had been more than 6 years since we talked.
I was very much interested in knowing if her plans materialized. They did. All of them.
After passing 12th she did B.Com (never fell in love) and yes her parents found a businessman in delhi for her, she got married an year after she completed her bachelors.
We chatted continuously for more than a week, we both were happy to be talking to each other after so long.

The next month while I was visiting a friend of mine in Delhi, I met herat a restaurant.
But she had changed, the Sonali I so loved listening to and after talking with whom I would forget my bad mood, she had changed. She wasn't talking as much as she used to.
"Are you happy that things turned out to be the way you wanted them to?", I asked.
"You know what?", she said "I don't really know if this is what I wanted".

At the end of the day we are just humans, there are things that we sometimes don't understand. Why we love, why we love someone specific, why we choose one thing over the other, why we decided on what we decided. These are things for which we do not have any answers.
And what we really want, there are times when we can't tell.
It's true that our decisions our choices make up or screw our lives and it would have been good if we would have always known what we want for ourselves but if we don't then just keep on going with the life, as we are never sure that what we might have wanted for ourselves would have been right.

As they say:
मन का हो तो बहुत अच्छा और मन का न हो तो उससे भी अच्छा

Sunday, February 03, 2008

Getting Back....

Getting back to something or someone is always difficult (unless that something or someone is toxic). For quite some time I wanted to return back to my blog and start writing again, but for the reasons unknown to me I wasn't able to. Suddenly I realise that it has been more than 1 year since I posted on my blog (I always thought it was just a few days back that I posted a story).
There is a lot to write, lot to share, lot of stories which I want to tell. So I think this short committment to myself (in writing) will keep on reminding me, my blogs is waiting for me.
I would post something interesting soon and would get back.
I want to get back to it.

PS: Till then I would leave you all with the beautiful NYC christmas pics.

Have a look at the beautiful shop decorations, penny harvest and christmas tree.