The Balancing Act
This is the 12th one this year, I screamed. All Hell has broken loose it seems, people have gone mad or has there been a virus attack or what? Why is everyone so hellbound on marrying? Never ever have I heard of so many of my friends marrying in the same year.
Never ever have you been in the age in which you are now, Shavak retorted. It's nothing unusual, normal people do marry around this age and if you and me are not marrying then our families are to be blamed, he continued with a chuckle.
You will see our hairs will turn grey in another year or so and we won't be getting girls to marry he said with a laugh this time.
Hell!! Who wants to marry anyways? It's so scary, I don't think that I am yet well settled or am in the right shape to marry and those friends of ours are mostly of the same age, how come they decided to marry?
C'mmon don't talk rubbish you know parents pressure, someday or the other you have to bow down to it Shavak shouted while picking up his helmet which was sitting on my television( I never knew why he would keep his helmet only at that place, I told him many a times not to but then he won't listen).
"Khuda Hafiz" he said and went out in the scorching sun.
After he went I threw myself on the couch, some match was going on the television in which India was not in a good position(no wonder). With my eyes on the television and my mind on the marriage thing, I started thinking,
"Is marriage inevitable?"
"Will marriage change us in any way?"
I knew the answer to the first one for sure, also I was almost sure about the second question too but didn't know exactly "in which way?"
I have seen my colleagues marrying, a few of my friends marrying.
For sure they have changed and some have changed drastically, even those have changed who have sworn by the vodka bottle, that come what may they are never going to change.
"C'mmon yaar, we have been friends since last 10 years with just a girl walking in, how can I change. It will all remain same, our parties, our outings and watching cricket too."
But alas!! such people have changed the most.
So is it right that everyone changes and more important is that change inevitable?
When my long time friend Vishal married some 8 months back, it was a sudden shock to him(don't talk about me I got many such shocks later). He went to visit his place in the weekend, parent were all ready with photos and all. Within 2 days of time he met 5 girls.
The questions from parents came "how was the girl?"
The poor chap replied with honesty "she was good" and promptly came the reply "so we take it as you are ready to marry her".
Hey dad, I never said that.
Why? Is there a problem? You just said you liked the girl.
Yes I did but I don't want to marry right now.
Now you don't give your father those sort of answers, even though you have started earning we still know what is right for you. So don't make a fuss of it, some day or the other you have to marry, so why not now? "Aur aajkal acche rishte badi mushkil se milte hai" (parents sometimes talk in such a way as if scarcity of good girls or boys is predicted in the years to come)
With such arguments and counter arguments lastly he relented and was ready to marry, nevertheless he was happy that the girl which was selected was very pretty and 98 out of 100 chances had he met that girl outside this 'shaadi' thing he would have liked her to be his girlfriend and may be later would have married her.
So in the end with grand ceremonies and all he was married, I remember his marriage because after a long time I had seen so many 'baraatis' (there were around 400) participating in the shaadi and by the time 'pheres' were concluded every dish in the non-veg section was finished. And yea I also remember his wedding because that was the first time I had to dance in a 'baraat'. I never liked the idea of dancing on the road but then for friends you have got to do things which you would abhor otherwise.
I started noticing the change in him after around 4 months of his marriage, we had hardly spoken at length in the past 4 months, firstly it was his honeymoon and then work pressure after coming back but then after all that settled down even now when he was not able to take out time, then it struck me.
I tried calling him a few times, we would talk for 4-5 mins, "how are you?", "how's work?" sort of things but it was just a formality. Even he would call me once in a while but our call still would be on the same lines. A few of the times when I called in the evening and his wife picked up I kind of felt odd, like I am invading their privacy. None of them gave me that feeling but just that a thought crept within me and I stopped calling in the evenings or nights.
Whenever asked about weekend plans he would have to go out with wife for shopping or to meet relatives or will have some work at home.
At times when we have met on some friend's party or function he would have to leave early and now no one could pursue him to stay.
So did Vishal changed? for sure he did but then why did he changed? And was this change inevitable?
When Robin married, a couple of months after that it became difficult for him to manage between office life and his married life. He had been working since past 3 yrs in our organization I would see him working for 12 hours on a normal working day and even when we would have asked him to leave he would keep on doing some or the other work (the initial work pressure, finished his social life and now when he had time he didn't wanted to go out and socialize as he wasn't in the habit of doing that now, same old story of a software developer).
Now after his marriage he wanted to leave after standard 8 hrs of work but couldn't, some or the other work keeps on coming as soon as he plans to leave. It became difficult, wife wanted his time his company wanted his time. The company didn't want him to change just coz he is married, if you were working 12 hrs a day till now the company would like you to work at the same pace now too. And after you are married you hardly can annoy the company, every person wants that job security whichever position he or she might be in.
Though Robin still used to finish his work but now the time that he used to spend in the company has reduced. He would seldom stay late unless the work is of critical nature. While in office he would get the phone call of his wife atleast 3-4 times a day, and then he would start worrying about the things back home.
No gas in the house, Groceries for the house, have to go for the tapestry today. Things started to happen in his life and his undivided attention that previously used to go to work and work alone was divided and may be slightly more on the house hold chores.
And after a while the pressure started showing on his work. It was not the same quality of work that he was delivering before, code with lots of bugs and logics implemented with so many bottlenecks, he would miss some obvious testing scenarios in his code (previously he would help out others with them). Your lead and managers don't give you much space to breath and this low quality code from Robin was unacceptable.
He had hard times then, he was trying to balance his life between office and home but he was a novice to begin with in this thing called 'marriage'. Friends and colleagues around him would joke upon the fact that marriage has changed him completely. The person who wouldn't go out with his friends even if work was pending had to at times leave when his wife would call him up for some urgent pending work at home.
So why did Robin changed? Did he now gave less priority to his work?
Ruchika has always been the girl I always admired, whenever in office she meant business, despite her drop dead gorgeous looks and several males around making passes at her, her attention wouldn't get diverted. I wondered how. Not that she wouldn't have light moments but yea if they came as part of the tasks assigned to her.
So when she got married everyone thought that now she wouldn't be too long in the office (it so used to happen that girls marrying would leave the job soon in pursuit of striking a balance between their married life and office work) but as I knew her, I had no doubts that she would continue the work the only thing I had interest in was in seeing as to how a girl changes after marriage.
As the time passed by yes she did change she would have to rush back to home at times, would have to take a day off at times (coz of some function at home) would get late at times and yea previously when she was always worried about her work and her weekends, that was now divided between her home, her husband, her inlaws, and office (you don't have weekends for yourself ever, once you get married).
The thing I liked was she was trying so hard to strike that balance, she would do things which she would have never done if she wasn't married, without any complains.
So yea when I saw her change it was like, may be it was a normal phenomenon after marriage.
May be there is a time in life when you are completely at your own, you work for yourself, when you are happy that happiness is yours only, when you are down and out you yourself would kick yourself up and get going. There are things that you would do for yourself, you are on your own, you like working, you like to have that separate identity of yours which you have created with your own efforts.
In short you love your life that way, without any bounds and most important even without anyone for you.
Marriage introduces a new person in your life and you are made to understand that your life is now not yours alone.
Yes things would change and you would change, even without marrying I can understand that now. You are habituated to things, to your surroundings, to people around you.
One fine morning when you wake up and see that world around you has changed, there is someone else with you now, sharing your bed and your life, you are no longer alone, you can no longer have that carefree and independent life, it must be a whacky feeling.
May be your slippers are not exactly by the side of your bed, may be your towel is not at the right place, things change, may be your morning tea which you used to make yourself is sitting by your bedside and it contains more milk then you are habituated to.
The first reaction of every person would be to revolt, you would like to scream and shout and do everything possible to show that you are not happy but then deep within the heart you realize, that new someone who has come in your life is yours and you have to live with him/her for the "rest of your life" (as they say) and you start understanding and start dealing with the things in a much civilized manner.
You start taking care of that other person much more than yourself (it may be an outcome of a fear that you have to get this new relation going or may be just a human nature) and may be the change becomes inevitable.
You change, you sure as hell do change, change for that someone new in your life, change to keep your new life happy, change in the fear that things shouldn't go wrong, change for the other new related people who have come in your life.
In which way your life changes? does it change for good or bad? these are tricky questions , it then solely depends upon the perception of the person. But nonetheless life starts teaching you some new lessons, to be patient, to work with people around you, the ability to understand, the ability to put your point across without hurting anyone (coz that anyone is now your husband or wife). May be you become more compassionate. Most important life slowly and gradually teaches you to strike a balance between different facets of your life. It is like you have gone one round up in a computer game and situations would be more complicated with every step you take in future.
The best way to play this game? the good or bad thing is that there isn't a standard way to do that, every person devices his/her own method to tackle the upcoming situations.
For a while the people you have known for so long takes a backseat and your attention is diverted towards those new people who have come into your life overnight. For a while you take those people for granted(be it your friends, your colleagues, your relatives or for that matter your company), that if they have stuck with you for so long and with all that you have done for them in the past, they would be there and understand you in this new situation.
And that comfort is the least that you can ask for with your whole life changing infront of you.
Saturday, June 10, 2006
Wednesday, October 05, 2005
What is it with the girls??
They say no one can understand girls or women. Can’t comment on the women part as of now but it so holds true for the girls.
What a girl wants?? Hardly a male can answer that and why so simply coz they are so unpredictable. At this hour if a girl wants something, by the time you try to get that for her she might not like that.
When Shavak saw Subarna the first time he was head over heels (as he has been for any other beautiful girl like her, the only difference being this time he seemed more serious then ever) in love with her.
Mission patao Subarna began without much ado.
Shavak has been in this school for past 7 years and she has joined recently and as the fate would have liked it she fell into his section which was ‘D’.
One big advantage with Shavak has been his charismatic personality, seldom has he failed in his pursuit to make friends with any one, be it male or female. He was well built, had a cute face (which females mostly fall for) and a constant 1000 watt smile (even at times when he was being punished by the teacher) which could make even the hardest person melt, the only negative aspect of his personality was his height, was the shortest amongst all in the class (but the class unusually had taller boys), he was around 5’7” and nowadays he was donning that French cut beard which on his milk white face looked too good (to others envy).
Subarna couldn’t resist much talking to him due to his continuous persuasion with some stupid but always workable questions such as ‘You new to school?’ ‘ You done that homework ?’ ‘You taken those notes?’ types.
So at last the story started, though I can’t exactly tell when he got serious with her, as in love they say you can never say when the love has really started to bloom.
Classes used to end at 1:30 PM for Shavak and for Subarna around 2:30 PM (as she has taken political science as an additional subject.
Shavak could be seen waiting for her at the school canteen, which was almost deserted after 1. She would come and they would spend another 1-2 hours (depending what reason she was going to put today at home about coming late) talking to each other.
And yea there were days when they could be seen talking to each other for like more than 5 hours (when they both used to bunk their classes).
She used to like the way he used to dress, the way he used to admire her, the way he used to bring gifts for her, the way he used to wait for her.
Initially (as always the case) everything seemed to be like a dream come true for both.
A year passed by and both went into the final year with much the same grades, which was a capital ‘C’ (oh yes girls are not always so bright as everyone think, to put the facts straight Shavak got much better grades then her in subjects like accountancy, economics which mattered most).
This was the interval time in the story and the story was due to take a twist now, as many of you must have guessed by now.
Just after the 11th grade exams and before the 12th grade classes started we got around a month’s holiday and yes we all had prior plans for these upcoming vacations and so did Shavak.
He started taking swimming lessons, he used to come to play cricket with us, he was much into music and in these holidays he wanted to go one grade up in his guitar lessons, wanted to see many of the missed English movies (which came around the exam times), in short he had all the desires which a guy of his age would have and has started acting upon them.
He started with all these activities and no he didn’t forget about Subarna, after she used to come from her music lessons, he used to meet her and they used to talk about their usual stuff. The difference was now he used to keep running for attending the multiple activities he was involved into. So it was time when he used to say Subarna, shall we move? (It was exactly opposite in the school days when Subarna after every 15 minutes would say that she has to go and she has much work left to do, that there is a function she has to attend at her relatives home, etc. etc. and Shavak had to work really hard to make her spend more time with him).
Now there were days when she had to wait for him for 10-15 minutes and it used to appear to her that she has been waiting since ages for him. And boy!! He is not admiring her at all nowadays she used to tell Monica (the only other soul I had seen her talking so much to).
Days went on and the anguish in her really started to grow, they had little rows sometimes but most of them used to get settled when he used to apologies unconditionally.
School started again, and guess what, the guys got really lucky this time with 3 beautiful girls coming into the class (may be girls also got lucky as 2 guys also joined in, but I don’t know for sure about a girl’s liking). This is the time where being a single is so cool, you can look at any girl, can talk to her, can spend sometime (for any reason) and yet have no one to boss you around, I could see that look on Shavak’s face when we all used to discuss about the new girls or used to talk to them, it was the look which used to say, god!! Why am I not single or even better why everybody in the class knows that I am not single?
It’s so hard a feel that you can’t look to other girls can’t talk much with them for the sheer reason what you might have to face if you do that.
The classes went onto become too hot day after day and by the times the winters have started we had really started to feel the heat of 12th board exams. Mostly everybody used to be in school for 10 hours and there were ones who were there at nights also for extra lessons.
It’s just the heat of 12th exams, which even if one doesn’t want to take, gets into him/her. Pressure of parents, teachers, talks of getting good grades for future life, these exams being the foundation for your life. To be very true a student can just go down preparing for it forget about facing the exams. Those beautiful girls were still there but for the guys at this time of school it was like nothing else existed in the world except the studies. Pre-board exams were announced and also with that principal’s decision that anyone failing in the pre-board exams will not be allowed to take the board exams. One can afford to go down fighting in the final game but not being able to qualify for the finals, it was literally a position where most of the dad’s would have killed their sons.
With the heat of exams increasing, the cold started to set in Shavak and Subarna’s relationship.
There are times in a relationship where even if you don’t communicate, even when you don’t meet each other for days, the heat of the relationship, keeps both warm.
But alas this didn’t happened in their case.
It rained heavily the previous night and still in the morning it was drizzling and the temperature was close to 2 degrees, from our school we could see mountains covered with white snow just 26 Kms away. It was a marvelous site, in my entire life I hadn’t been a spectator to such a beautiful sight and the good part was that I had always enjoyed winters.
We got four free periods that day as even the teachers were not prepared to teach in such a cold weather, we went onto the canteen and between the sips of hot tea we were discussing as to which all questions can come in accountancy pre-boards. Subarna walked up to us and asked Shavak if she could talk to him for sometime. To a guy it seems very awkward when he is dragged out of a conversation with his friends by a female. Two of them sniggered, and when Shavak turned to them the same old comment hit him “go man!! Otherwise you will have to spent another hour explaining why you were late in coming”. Without saying a word he moved on with tea in hand.
They both were now sitting in the open playing arena below in the grounds, a bunch of guys were playing basketball, a group of girl was giggling at god knows what on a safe little distance.
“Shavvy we should breakup”, she declared breaking the silence.
And why do you think so Subbi? he asked. What have I did this time? (A guy always starts with a presumption that whatever be the reason he will be held responsible and even if he retorts he will have to apologies in the end).
Why you talking that way Shavvy? I have never said or found you wrong (oh yea??). It’s just that I have started feeling that our relationship doesn’t has much left now and may be you don’t have much interest left in me and you want to move on (hasn’t she said I never found you wrong in the last sentence?).
What exactly happened this time? (For god’s sake tell me without creating an air), he asked in a bit high tone and then lowered it.
It’s not only about this time, it’s been a long time and now I can’t take this anymore (girl for god’s sake get down to the point straight).
Subbi, will you for god sake tell me what happened? Until I know what happened I couldn’t exactly find out a solution to it.
It’s not about a specific problem to which you can find a solution. Then what? (I swear girl I am gonna kill you if this goes on for any longer, TELL ME FAST what’s happened)
Look Shavvy, when I first joined this school around 2 years back you were the first good friend of mine, even Monica became my good friend after you. (So?)
We used to spend so much time together; you used to take so much care of me, for even one day if I didn’t used to come you used to get so bothered. You used to wait for me (So?? Was that a mistake I did then and you gonna make me pay for it today?).
Yes Subbi, so what has happened now?
That’s what I want to ask you Shavvy, what has happened to you now? Why have you become so different, is there some other girl you have started liking? Tell me Shavvy, if it is the case, I will just back off and you can live your life with her. (Oh yea!! Now she is coming to point. As if I will tell her a girl’s name and she is gonna leave me, haa ha)
C’mon Subbi, stop saying all these things, you know that I love you only and there is no other girl. You know that, don’t you? (Wouldn’t you have been spying on me, if you have doubted that?)
Yes Shavvy, I do want to think that there is no one else but then why have you changed so much?
Changed?? How have I changed Subbi? Tell me what has changed in me or what has changed in our relationship?
Previously we used to spend so much time together, you used to care so much about me. But after our 11th grade exams you don’t seem to have much time for me, you don’t meet me so often, you don’t wait for me as you used to do, you don’t talk to me much about your life, don’t even ask me about my life. And for past 2 months, it seems that you have been trying to ignore me. Do you remember when we last talked at length? (Oh yea, didn’t we talk for more than 1 hour just 2 days back?).
Just tell me Shavvy haven’t you changed? (Now, the real thing has started, I should have known this thing was coming).
Subbi…and a long silence fell between them, Shavak’s mind was racing like a F1 car.
He started to think, what Subbi was saying was it really true, has he really changed?
Pictures from the past started pouring in his mind. Yes they have been spending much time together in the first year of Subbi’s coming to the school, how he was waiting for hours just for her at times she used to come too late and used to leave within minutes, he used to feel so bad about it, He wanted her to stay for a bit longer, but he used to become helpless after her statement, “Shavvy, you don’t understand me?” “You don’t understand how difficult it is for me at home to explain every day”. “You don’t understand how much backlog have I got”. And guess what, he had to understand. “I understand” used to be his reply, “We will meet later then”. After she had gone he used to curse himself at times why does he love her? Does she think she is the only one who has got work at home, is she the only one who has got the backlogs, why doesn’t for once at least she understands him?
But after an hour of tussle in his mind he used to satisfy himself that she must be under too much pressure then him. And at least she loves him and some day or the other she will also understand him. These instances used to take a back seat as soon as he has spent some good time with her. He has never complained but has taken things in his stride and yes, had tried to understand her always.
The first time he has got a card and a soft toy as a gift for her he has spent his 3 months savings (which he was saving for his new guitar) and how many times has he taken money from friends for giving her gifts, he didn’t much remember anything exceptional that he got for himself from his pocket money after Subbi coming to his life.
How he has time and again turned down his friend’s requests of coming to movie with them, to come for a match with them, just coz Subbi had given him time to meet. How many times has his friends mocked him for not being with them and for being a couple.
There were friends who have been with him for years some who were there for him since the beginning of his school days. Friends who have been with him in all his pranks, who have helped him out with the studies, friends who have helped him with his house work and friends who in spite of making mockery of his love had always lend him money to buy gifts for Subbi, who had lend him their bike so that he can take her to movie.
Has he really changed? he was still thinking. If he wanted to fulfill his hobbies in that short span of one month which he knew would never come again, had he not completed his next grade in guitar, had he not learnt swimming that time would he have got enough time to do all these things after that (when he already knew there were board exams next year). If he has done all these things and in this process if he has to ask a few times to Subbi that can they leave, in spite of her asking the same thing, has he changed?
If in this crucial year if he is concentrating more on his studies forgetting at times completely about her, has he changed? Is his fear of not getting clear in the board exams, his working hard in studies spending more time with his friends who will help him out more than any one else, are these signs of change?
Hasn’t the situation at his home front changed since last one year? Hasn’t his responsibilities changed? Hasn’t he started spending a bit (though still not enough) more time on work at home? Hasn’t his dad who have never argued about his pocket money has recently started asking him to value money more than he is doing right now?
Hasn’t his mind, which was free of any botherations now more preoccupied with the thoughts of getting into a good college, getting the subjects he wants to take?
The answer was ‘Yes’; yes with a capital ‘Y’ yes he has changed. Shavak has changed, he has changed and not only changed for her but for everyone and more so for himself.
He was clear about his answer, Subbi is right, he has changed and in his own views changed for better, and changed for all not only her.
But the next question was “Now What?”
Why would Subbi not understand him? Why is she saying that he has become same as other guys? And what would being same as other guys mean? Isn’t every guy or for that matter every girl same?
Though Shavak was asking these questions from himself but he already had answers to all of them. He now knew exactly what has gone wrong.
He has changed and so has Subbi but the problem was she has not realized it; she herself wasn’t sure what she wanted from their relationship.
Shavvy knew exactly what needed to be done, he stood up and turned to face Subbi, and did exactly what he had been doing since the beginning or what he knew would calm the situation down, “Subbi, I guess you are right, may be I got too much involved in myself and other things bothering me, so I hadn’t been able to give much time to you, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t love you anymore or I have started liking anyone else.”
“How could you even think of it that I will love anyone else except my Subbi”
The episode lasted for another half an hour and we all knew the result, yes as always with the girls they do get pleased once you beg them for forgiveness.
Subarna and Shavak were together again.
You might think that why did Shavvy make it up with Subbi even without his fault? Guys, don’t we all do that for someone we really love? Shavvy really loved her.
And yea he didn’t made her understand that just coz he has grown up enough to understand that ‘you can’t make girls understand anything, be it computers or be it cricket:)
They say no one can understand girls or women. Can’t comment on the women part as of now but it so holds true for the girls.
What a girl wants?? Hardly a male can answer that and why so simply coz they are so unpredictable. At this hour if a girl wants something, by the time you try to get that for her she might not like that.
When Shavak saw Subarna the first time he was head over heels (as he has been for any other beautiful girl like her, the only difference being this time he seemed more serious then ever) in love with her.
Mission patao Subarna began without much ado.
Shavak has been in this school for past 7 years and she has joined recently and as the fate would have liked it she fell into his section which was ‘D’.
One big advantage with Shavak has been his charismatic personality, seldom has he failed in his pursuit to make friends with any one, be it male or female. He was well built, had a cute face (which females mostly fall for) and a constant 1000 watt smile (even at times when he was being punished by the teacher) which could make even the hardest person melt, the only negative aspect of his personality was his height, was the shortest amongst all in the class (but the class unusually had taller boys), he was around 5’7” and nowadays he was donning that French cut beard which on his milk white face looked too good (to others envy).
Subarna couldn’t resist much talking to him due to his continuous persuasion with some stupid but always workable questions such as ‘You new to school?’ ‘ You done that homework ?’ ‘You taken those notes?’ types.
So at last the story started, though I can’t exactly tell when he got serious with her, as in love they say you can never say when the love has really started to bloom.
Classes used to end at 1:30 PM for Shavak and for Subarna around 2:30 PM (as she has taken political science as an additional subject.
Shavak could be seen waiting for her at the school canteen, which was almost deserted after 1. She would come and they would spend another 1-2 hours (depending what reason she was going to put today at home about coming late) talking to each other.
And yea there were days when they could be seen talking to each other for like more than 5 hours (when they both used to bunk their classes).
She used to like the way he used to dress, the way he used to admire her, the way he used to bring gifts for her, the way he used to wait for her.
Initially (as always the case) everything seemed to be like a dream come true for both.
A year passed by and both went into the final year with much the same grades, which was a capital ‘C’ (oh yes girls are not always so bright as everyone think, to put the facts straight Shavak got much better grades then her in subjects like accountancy, economics which mattered most).
This was the interval time in the story and the story was due to take a twist now, as many of you must have guessed by now.
Just after the 11th grade exams and before the 12th grade classes started we got around a month’s holiday and yes we all had prior plans for these upcoming vacations and so did Shavak.
He started taking swimming lessons, he used to come to play cricket with us, he was much into music and in these holidays he wanted to go one grade up in his guitar lessons, wanted to see many of the missed English movies (which came around the exam times), in short he had all the desires which a guy of his age would have and has started acting upon them.
He started with all these activities and no he didn’t forget about Subarna, after she used to come from her music lessons, he used to meet her and they used to talk about their usual stuff. The difference was now he used to keep running for attending the multiple activities he was involved into. So it was time when he used to say Subarna, shall we move? (It was exactly opposite in the school days when Subarna after every 15 minutes would say that she has to go and she has much work left to do, that there is a function she has to attend at her relatives home, etc. etc. and Shavak had to work really hard to make her spend more time with him).
Now there were days when she had to wait for him for 10-15 minutes and it used to appear to her that she has been waiting since ages for him. And boy!! He is not admiring her at all nowadays she used to tell Monica (the only other soul I had seen her talking so much to).
Days went on and the anguish in her really started to grow, they had little rows sometimes but most of them used to get settled when he used to apologies unconditionally.
School started again, and guess what, the guys got really lucky this time with 3 beautiful girls coming into the class (may be girls also got lucky as 2 guys also joined in, but I don’t know for sure about a girl’s liking). This is the time where being a single is so cool, you can look at any girl, can talk to her, can spend sometime (for any reason) and yet have no one to boss you around, I could see that look on Shavak’s face when we all used to discuss about the new girls or used to talk to them, it was the look which used to say, god!! Why am I not single or even better why everybody in the class knows that I am not single?
It’s so hard a feel that you can’t look to other girls can’t talk much with them for the sheer reason what you might have to face if you do that.
The classes went onto become too hot day after day and by the times the winters have started we had really started to feel the heat of 12th board exams. Mostly everybody used to be in school for 10 hours and there were ones who were there at nights also for extra lessons.
It’s just the heat of 12th exams, which even if one doesn’t want to take, gets into him/her. Pressure of parents, teachers, talks of getting good grades for future life, these exams being the foundation for your life. To be very true a student can just go down preparing for it forget about facing the exams. Those beautiful girls were still there but for the guys at this time of school it was like nothing else existed in the world except the studies. Pre-board exams were announced and also with that principal’s decision that anyone failing in the pre-board exams will not be allowed to take the board exams. One can afford to go down fighting in the final game but not being able to qualify for the finals, it was literally a position where most of the dad’s would have killed their sons.
With the heat of exams increasing, the cold started to set in Shavak and Subarna’s relationship.
There are times in a relationship where even if you don’t communicate, even when you don’t meet each other for days, the heat of the relationship, keeps both warm.
But alas this didn’t happened in their case.
It rained heavily the previous night and still in the morning it was drizzling and the temperature was close to 2 degrees, from our school we could see mountains covered with white snow just 26 Kms away. It was a marvelous site, in my entire life I hadn’t been a spectator to such a beautiful sight and the good part was that I had always enjoyed winters.
We got four free periods that day as even the teachers were not prepared to teach in such a cold weather, we went onto the canteen and between the sips of hot tea we were discussing as to which all questions can come in accountancy pre-boards. Subarna walked up to us and asked Shavak if she could talk to him for sometime. To a guy it seems very awkward when he is dragged out of a conversation with his friends by a female. Two of them sniggered, and when Shavak turned to them the same old comment hit him “go man!! Otherwise you will have to spent another hour explaining why you were late in coming”. Without saying a word he moved on with tea in hand.
They both were now sitting in the open playing arena below in the grounds, a bunch of guys were playing basketball, a group of girl was giggling at god knows what on a safe little distance.
“Shavvy we should breakup”, she declared breaking the silence.
And why do you think so Subbi? he asked. What have I did this time? (A guy always starts with a presumption that whatever be the reason he will be held responsible and even if he retorts he will have to apologies in the end).
Why you talking that way Shavvy? I have never said or found you wrong (oh yea??). It’s just that I have started feeling that our relationship doesn’t has much left now and may be you don’t have much interest left in me and you want to move on (hasn’t she said I never found you wrong in the last sentence?).
What exactly happened this time? (For god’s sake tell me without creating an air), he asked in a bit high tone and then lowered it.
It’s not only about this time, it’s been a long time and now I can’t take this anymore (girl for god’s sake get down to the point straight).
Subbi, will you for god sake tell me what happened? Until I know what happened I couldn’t exactly find out a solution to it.
It’s not about a specific problem to which you can find a solution. Then what? (I swear girl I am gonna kill you if this goes on for any longer, TELL ME FAST what’s happened)
Look Shavvy, when I first joined this school around 2 years back you were the first good friend of mine, even Monica became my good friend after you. (So?)
We used to spend so much time together; you used to take so much care of me, for even one day if I didn’t used to come you used to get so bothered. You used to wait for me (So?? Was that a mistake I did then and you gonna make me pay for it today?).
Yes Subbi, so what has happened now?
That’s what I want to ask you Shavvy, what has happened to you now? Why have you become so different, is there some other girl you have started liking? Tell me Shavvy, if it is the case, I will just back off and you can live your life with her. (Oh yea!! Now she is coming to point. As if I will tell her a girl’s name and she is gonna leave me, haa ha)
C’mon Subbi, stop saying all these things, you know that I love you only and there is no other girl. You know that, don’t you? (Wouldn’t you have been spying on me, if you have doubted that?)
Yes Shavvy, I do want to think that there is no one else but then why have you changed so much?
Changed?? How have I changed Subbi? Tell me what has changed in me or what has changed in our relationship?
Previously we used to spend so much time together, you used to care so much about me. But after our 11th grade exams you don’t seem to have much time for me, you don’t meet me so often, you don’t wait for me as you used to do, you don’t talk to me much about your life, don’t even ask me about my life. And for past 2 months, it seems that you have been trying to ignore me. Do you remember when we last talked at length? (Oh yea, didn’t we talk for more than 1 hour just 2 days back?).
Just tell me Shavvy haven’t you changed? (Now, the real thing has started, I should have known this thing was coming).
Subbi…and a long silence fell between them, Shavak’s mind was racing like a F1 car.
He started to think, what Subbi was saying was it really true, has he really changed?
Pictures from the past started pouring in his mind. Yes they have been spending much time together in the first year of Subbi’s coming to the school, how he was waiting for hours just for her at times she used to come too late and used to leave within minutes, he used to feel so bad about it, He wanted her to stay for a bit longer, but he used to become helpless after her statement, “Shavvy, you don’t understand me?” “You don’t understand how difficult it is for me at home to explain every day”. “You don’t understand how much backlog have I got”. And guess what, he had to understand. “I understand” used to be his reply, “We will meet later then”. After she had gone he used to curse himself at times why does he love her? Does she think she is the only one who has got work at home, is she the only one who has got the backlogs, why doesn’t for once at least she understands him?
But after an hour of tussle in his mind he used to satisfy himself that she must be under too much pressure then him. And at least she loves him and some day or the other she will also understand him. These instances used to take a back seat as soon as he has spent some good time with her. He has never complained but has taken things in his stride and yes, had tried to understand her always.
The first time he has got a card and a soft toy as a gift for her he has spent his 3 months savings (which he was saving for his new guitar) and how many times has he taken money from friends for giving her gifts, he didn’t much remember anything exceptional that he got for himself from his pocket money after Subbi coming to his life.
How he has time and again turned down his friend’s requests of coming to movie with them, to come for a match with them, just coz Subbi had given him time to meet. How many times has his friends mocked him for not being with them and for being a couple.
There were friends who have been with him for years some who were there for him since the beginning of his school days. Friends who have been with him in all his pranks, who have helped him out with the studies, friends who have helped him with his house work and friends who in spite of making mockery of his love had always lend him money to buy gifts for Subbi, who had lend him their bike so that he can take her to movie.
Has he really changed? he was still thinking. If he wanted to fulfill his hobbies in that short span of one month which he knew would never come again, had he not completed his next grade in guitar, had he not learnt swimming that time would he have got enough time to do all these things after that (when he already knew there were board exams next year). If he has done all these things and in this process if he has to ask a few times to Subbi that can they leave, in spite of her asking the same thing, has he changed?
If in this crucial year if he is concentrating more on his studies forgetting at times completely about her, has he changed? Is his fear of not getting clear in the board exams, his working hard in studies spending more time with his friends who will help him out more than any one else, are these signs of change?
Hasn’t the situation at his home front changed since last one year? Hasn’t his responsibilities changed? Hasn’t he started spending a bit (though still not enough) more time on work at home? Hasn’t his dad who have never argued about his pocket money has recently started asking him to value money more than he is doing right now?
Hasn’t his mind, which was free of any botherations now more preoccupied with the thoughts of getting into a good college, getting the subjects he wants to take?
The answer was ‘Yes’; yes with a capital ‘Y’ yes he has changed. Shavak has changed, he has changed and not only changed for her but for everyone and more so for himself.
He was clear about his answer, Subbi is right, he has changed and in his own views changed for better, and changed for all not only her.
But the next question was “Now What?”
Why would Subbi not understand him? Why is she saying that he has become same as other guys? And what would being same as other guys mean? Isn’t every guy or for that matter every girl same?
Though Shavak was asking these questions from himself but he already had answers to all of them. He now knew exactly what has gone wrong.
He has changed and so has Subbi but the problem was she has not realized it; she herself wasn’t sure what she wanted from their relationship.
Shavvy knew exactly what needed to be done, he stood up and turned to face Subbi, and did exactly what he had been doing since the beginning or what he knew would calm the situation down, “Subbi, I guess you are right, may be I got too much involved in myself and other things bothering me, so I hadn’t been able to give much time to you, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t love you anymore or I have started liking anyone else.”
“How could you even think of it that I will love anyone else except my Subbi”
The episode lasted for another half an hour and we all knew the result, yes as always with the girls they do get pleased once you beg them for forgiveness.
Subarna and Shavak were together again.
You might think that why did Shavvy make it up with Subbi even without his fault? Guys, don’t we all do that for someone we really love? Shavvy really loved her.
And yea he didn’t made her understand that just coz he has grown up enough to understand that ‘you can’t make girls understand anything, be it computers or be it cricket:)
Sunday, April 03, 2005
Changing World
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I had never thought in my school life that I would end up with computers. Any one asking me that time would have got a reply as to army or scientist. Then weather changed, in my teens I wanted to be an accountant, but yea as fate would have had it, I ended up with computers.
I don't know if I wud have been into something else wud it have been better or worse but yea I try to keep myself happy by constantly reminding myself that I am into the hottest industry.
So you see with time the ideas change, the thoughts change and in short everything changes.
Raghav who always used to say to me when we were in school that he would never marry a girl(though he didn't meant it otherwise too as that time we didn't had today's concepts) and all in all he never used to have a smooth talk with girls, but change set in him and when he was in college he had the max number of girls around him and his views were like, 'no girls, no life' and he was the first one in our group to marry(though his condition today is entirely a different changed story).
One day I was sitting with my cousin, I was going through the magazines and he as usual was channel surfing. His views about girls are those of generation Z. He would keep on telling me how many girls he have been with this week and which one was more pretty and wat should they wear, how should they act , etc. etc . He is FYBCom student, good looking he is and so yes I never doubt things whenever it concerns girls. But yea that day he has been telling me his views about how to treat a girl and what girls are. And on most of the points I didn't agree to him, I tried to retaliate with my points but he won't accept. After a while listening to him I realised that he can't be satisfied with any point right now. He won't accept it now but he will change as I had and as others have. The guy who is sitting here and telling me that love is all sh** is going to come back to me after some time and will be having some good views about love and girls. Then he might start preaching me about love........isn't it?
Another short instance about change, there was this friend of mine I used to hang with. We shared quite sometime together and the reason we used to gell together was that we shared almost same views on everything above the earth and below the sky.
We have shared our views on sports, politics, girls, culture, marriage, and we used to share the same brand of ciggarettes too.
We have bullied many of our friends on the issue of they being changed after a girl has come in. "yaar log kaise badal jaate hai, ladki ke aane se....", "kya bhai ab to doston ke liye time hi nahi hoga...." and the likes of statements used to reverberate in any of the usual gettogether.
They were not only statements but also the feel was the same, no one could understand the reason as to why a person who used to sit with us and share time with us is no more available, why has his priorities changed?
All said and done but everyone used to be friend.
Time changed, places changed and so did everything.
I met with this same friend after many years on one of the weddings I was attending in his city. We were happy to meet again and we started to relive our old moments, the usual reunion types, he tells me that he has got a girlfriend now, ummm.....u not joking?? no seriously yaar... and thats how the news went in ...
The next day I thought I wud stroll with him, talk a lot and do some shopping will go out for lunch and dinner, but he was no where to be seen, called him up and guess wat, yea offcourse he was with his sweetheart, and despite promising to meet in the evening he couldn't turn up. I went out alone, did some shopping, had lunch at a quiet place. The good thing was that I knew the city well and I knew where I can get the things I wanted to shop for, so wasn't much of a problem.
The next day I had to return in the afternoon.
He came at night, was sorry he had to leave as there was something urgent on his GF's side that he had to attend to, "ok lunch we will have together"...he says, "sasha will also join us". I was fine with that. The next day I had to reach station by 1 PM and till 12 PM there was no confirmation about the lunch, I called up and told him I am leaving and I already had lunch as I was getting late, we will have lunch the next time we meet. "No thats fine...I'll catch a taxi.....Bye" abd Ieft.
Sitting in the taxi the things we used to say to others reverberated in my mind......"yaar log kaise badal jaate hai, ladki ke aane se...."
But yea, they say thats wat change is all about.....and change is inevitable and in addition to it no one will ever accept that they have really changed;)
-------------------------------
I had never thought in my school life that I would end up with computers. Any one asking me that time would have got a reply as to army or scientist. Then weather changed, in my teens I wanted to be an accountant, but yea as fate would have had it, I ended up with computers.
I don't know if I wud have been into something else wud it have been better or worse but yea I try to keep myself happy by constantly reminding myself that I am into the hottest industry.
So you see with time the ideas change, the thoughts change and in short everything changes.
Raghav who always used to say to me when we were in school that he would never marry a girl(though he didn't meant it otherwise too as that time we didn't had today's concepts) and all in all he never used to have a smooth talk with girls, but change set in him and when he was in college he had the max number of girls around him and his views were like, 'no girls, no life' and he was the first one in our group to marry(though his condition today is entirely a different changed story).
One day I was sitting with my cousin, I was going through the magazines and he as usual was channel surfing. His views about girls are those of generation Z. He would keep on telling me how many girls he have been with this week and which one was more pretty and wat should they wear, how should they act , etc. etc . He is FYBCom student, good looking he is and so yes I never doubt things whenever it concerns girls. But yea that day he has been telling me his views about how to treat a girl and what girls are. And on most of the points I didn't agree to him, I tried to retaliate with my points but he won't accept. After a while listening to him I realised that he can't be satisfied with any point right now. He won't accept it now but he will change as I had and as others have. The guy who is sitting here and telling me that love is all sh** is going to come back to me after some time and will be having some good views about love and girls. Then he might start preaching me about love........isn't it?
Another short instance about change, there was this friend of mine I used to hang with. We shared quite sometime together and the reason we used to gell together was that we shared almost same views on everything above the earth and below the sky.
We have shared our views on sports, politics, girls, culture, marriage, and we used to share the same brand of ciggarettes too.
We have bullied many of our friends on the issue of they being changed after a girl has come in. "yaar log kaise badal jaate hai, ladki ke aane se....", "kya bhai ab to doston ke liye time hi nahi hoga...." and the likes of statements used to reverberate in any of the usual gettogether.
They were not only statements but also the feel was the same, no one could understand the reason as to why a person who used to sit with us and share time with us is no more available, why has his priorities changed?
All said and done but everyone used to be friend.
Time changed, places changed and so did everything.
I met with this same friend after many years on one of the weddings I was attending in his city. We were happy to meet again and we started to relive our old moments, the usual reunion types, he tells me that he has got a girlfriend now, ummm.....u not joking?? no seriously yaar... and thats how the news went in ...
The next day I thought I wud stroll with him, talk a lot and do some shopping will go out for lunch and dinner, but he was no where to be seen, called him up and guess wat, yea offcourse he was with his sweetheart, and despite promising to meet in the evening he couldn't turn up. I went out alone, did some shopping, had lunch at a quiet place. The good thing was that I knew the city well and I knew where I can get the things I wanted to shop for, so wasn't much of a problem.
The next day I had to return in the afternoon.
He came at night, was sorry he had to leave as there was something urgent on his GF's side that he had to attend to, "ok lunch we will have together"...he says, "sasha will also join us". I was fine with that. The next day I had to reach station by 1 PM and till 12 PM there was no confirmation about the lunch, I called up and told him I am leaving and I already had lunch as I was getting late, we will have lunch the next time we meet. "No thats fine...I'll catch a taxi.....Bye" abd Ieft.
Sitting in the taxi the things we used to say to others reverberated in my mind......"yaar log kaise badal jaate hai, ladki ke aane se...."
But yea, they say thats wat change is all about.....and change is inevitable and in addition to it no one will ever accept that they have really changed;)
Friday, December 31, 2004
The Matrix
I didn't get to talk to my room mate for past few days, so as I was about to board the train I was giving him some last minute instructions as to that I have kept the rent cheque on dressing table and other things there and that he needs to take care of all that now. He told me that he might not go home this diwali as his leaves are not sanctioned.
I have always wanted to be at home on diwali as like many other guys and gals who are away from their home for studies or job or some other reasons. But for me diwali was the most important of all the festivals and may be not in other fests but I have always wanted to be home at diwali. The coziness and warmth of the family can be felt clearly at this time of the year. Winters start at this time and new year is also near by, may be the feeling of working for the whole year comes in and we become so tired that we want to be with our family and enjoy the last few days of the passing year. And for me one more reason could be the Americans, they also enjoy this time of the year with their chirstmas and new year party with their families and loved ones. So when once my boss asked me to work on diwali and take leave on christmas and new year, my reason was, when they can enjoy their fests then why can't we? I wud go on diwali be whatever. May be an acrimonious feeling has set in me from that time which keeps on reminding me that we are also humans and thats what keeps me up against any injustice and to keep us at par with the americans.
Well whatever be the reason but joining the family on diwali is a feeling which has to be felt and trust me, can't be expressed in words alone. I was ready to board this train called Jhelum Express which will take me to my destination (not exactly though). The scene was not much different then last time when I was borading this train that also happened to be a novemeber day and then too I was going on diwali vacations, so yea it has been an year that I wasn't home and after an year again on diwali holidays I was going to my home.
The train was packed though it has good patches of free spaces to keep your feet ( coz at times it really becomes that bad), mostly the crowd was young, students who have got diwali vacations and working professionals who have taken out a few days of leaves to add to their diwali vacations given by their respective companies.
As I entered my coach and looked for my berth I saw a a group of guys sitting on the seats around me. One of them boasted with the infy t-shirt. Just looked around for a few minutes and set up my luggage and then went out as the train was to start after 10 minutes and sitting in a still train is really boring. So I came out and stood on the window facing my seat to keep an eye on the luggage, the good old words of mom always keep coming in mind whenever I travel,"keep an eye on luggagge", "keep the money in different places", "don't go away too far from your luggage" and so on. Though I must admit I don't follow many of them but yea some of them which even my consciousness tells me are right, I try to follow them according to my convenience.
one of my colleague and friend was also travellling with me so that was sort of good as the journey upto my destination from train is around 22 hrs and yea after that i have a bus journey to do.
The train started and I was till then settled on seat, I had a middle berth and so as the train started so I was sitting on the lower berth with others. I had a sneaking feeling that we are more number of people sitting out there than the number of berths. In one compartment we have 6 berths and 2 berths sideways and the number of people sitting there were around 8 -9 and 3 on the side berths. But I knew from my past experiences that these things are common in a train in India and when groups of boys and girls travel along, many of them sit everywhere except their own seats.
So yea I was sure that was the case. As the train moved on, the usual talking started and slowly and gradually it became a usual indian train. While I was standing on the window side on the station, I saw a guy with a C-DAC bag sitting on my side of the seat, some memories did came flying by. This was the third time that I was going to home in diwali from Pune. The first time I went home from Pune was when I was doing C-DAC and we had mid term break and that time I remember taking my C-DAC bag with me. So yea the memories of first novemeber from Pune came back to me. Pune has always been good in terms of weather and in the months of nov, dec and jan also its not very cold. So that bag reminded me of those days and I thought that some student from C-DAC might be going home and then came the feeling might be he is from my institute so I can have a light chat with him about how the institute is going on and what all has changed and things like that.
But now as I sat their and was listening to the talks of people around me, I came to know that mostly all were working professionals except a few who were I guess preparing for CAT - MBA exams. So I found out through the converstation between them that there were around 3 different groups sitting around me and two of the groups were linked to each other through one person.
Gaurav, if I correctly remember his name was that linking person. These two groups were having berths in our compartment as well as couple of berths after 2 compartments. So one person from their was sitting on our side as he was friendly with a few of them. The usual chat started as where are you going and how many days of holidays have been sacntioned and all that stuff. The guy told that he has just left KPIT and joined Geometric a week ago, the reason? got bored working their so tried in geometric and got through. Technology?? the next question, I thought must be dot net but the reply was VC++. A sense of respect came within me for that person as in this tech field we have been inculcated with the habit of respecting the people working on VC++ and geomertic was a good company after all and I regularly see its building as it is just opposite to my company's building and moreover they are getting their new building up which he also confirms. One day I went to that construction site of geometric and had asked my friend that we can put up a few stones and our names will be in the foundation of geometric.
Another thing that I was amazed was he has just joined the company a week ago and he is going on a 8 -10 days vacation, that was unusual for me coz I have always thought that its not good to ask for leaves initially in company but then geometric is a big company then mine and may be they are having different rules and regulations towards the leaves.
The chatting around me was now in full flow as mostly all of them knew someone or the other around. Subject: company's performance, new technology and the projects.
There at the extereme end of the seat I was sitting on, was that infy guy with a blue infy T-Shirt on with the caption "A billion dollar company". Their was a time when respect generated within me after looking at such t-shirts but now that I am into this industry and know the ins and outs after interviewing many of the fellows these things don't impress much and rather it seems like a show off.
The voices from within comes like 'who the hell are you telling you work in infy?', 'you won't be able to answer simple things if I ask you'. But yea then there is also an accepting voice, oh yea he got through infy and he has all the rite to wear that t-shirt and boast of that achievement.
But fact is also that this is sort of trend in Pune to wear t-shirts of the colleges and institutes you are studying. The first time I was going home in the same train 2 years back there were these students of symbiosis who were donning their colors and so proud as if they have achieved great heights in their lives. Some how I have never liked wearing the organization accessories out of the organization premises or in contests where your are representing your organization.
So this infoscion was talking to this other guy consistently and during their conversation I came to know that the other was also an infoscion though not in infy t-shirt and both were roommates. They were discussing on the proposition of traveling by air rather than train. The other infoscion without t-shirt one was arguing that you people were not decided on the date so he could not fix for air tickets and also they reserved the seats so late that they got one waiting.
What man we are getting 25-26k in hand and still we have to travel by this train which takes almost 2 days to take to our destination, had it been air we would have been their within 3-4 hours, he argued. I smirked at them thought they didn't seemed to notice it. It was true, harsh but true. Eight years back when I used to go to dehradoon for my SSC then also i used to travel in trains and with reservations and now after eight years when I am earning then also i am travelling by trains. The only thing that has changed is that previously dad used to pay for it and now I used to pay myself but other things remain same, the trains, the long time they took, the late schedules of trains and the jostle and fight to get your reserved seat. I also didn't liked this proposition but still didn't had much of a choice. Have read in the newspapers and all that airfares have reduced and all but by how much and how many flights do we have to reach to my place these are the factors that were still hanging in the middle and that’s how we were left with no choice than to travel with train.
I had heard from some one that in mumbai that a person earns 4000 or 40,000 all have to travel by local trains. This seemed true to me for those guys and me too. As I was in these thoughts that I was questioned by someone, 'Are you in cybage too?' I turned my head to see a short, stout and a happy go lucky sort of person asking me that question. No I replied, 'oh many people sitting here work in cybage so I thought that you might also be in that company', I smiled. "Then where do you work?", I was expecting this one,"Digital infotech". " Where's that?" bang on target. Every time I have answered the former question I have been thumped with the latter. I tried to keep it short and sweet and replied "Hinjwadi". No further questions. I have always hated the situation when you have to tell the location of your company after telling the name. I guess that was pretty ordinary, every techie wants to work in such an organization which has got a good name and when someone asks where you work the name should be enough to stop further questions. So that has been my idea too but by and large I was coming to terms with the reality that brand name isn't everything. It was all coz I came to know people working under big names and working on something timid and some working under big names and fetching package far less than me. Initially when people used to insist that brand name is not everything I as a fussy child used to reply ok let me go into such an organization and then I will also say that. But yea when you really come to terms with reality many of your beliefs change and many of your dreams get molded. Today I was more than happy to sit in my company and getting to work in what I was working on but yea still questions like that do bother me till date, so I mostly try to ignore such situations.
The train moved on, after the T.C. has gone by after checking the tickets, my friend who was in the other coach walked in, made some place for him to sit and while we were enjoying a cup of tea I saw both the infoscions climbing to one side berth
I talked to my friend for some time and the talks mostly related to workplace the technicalities surrounding the project, what does H1B mean and what are pros and cons of a business visa and things like that.
There was this guy sitting opposite to me and talking to the other two guys sitting besides him, initially I thought that he is also a working professional but came to know that he is going home for MBA prepartion and after coming he is going to give CAT exams. The usual jokes between them was about how much are you prepared and will you study after reaching home. I remember being much more serious than him while giving CAT the one and only time but yea still didn't got through and a thought came to my mind that after failing CAT he will get enrolled to one of the several B-Schools in the country and ask his parents to pay the hefty fees and after 2 years he will also be joining the job market.
God knows why but if you give me a situation like this then I can wove a complete story out of it, with my ideas and expriences, I have never questioned myself as to is it right or wrong. May be every person is like this or may be I am the only one like this, but I am sure of one thing we can only wove such a story if we have expeirenced something like that or we have seen such a thing happening.
So at last I was happy someone in that compartment is out of the worries of the projects, away from the tensions of reporting to TL's and clean from the office politics.
The person who asked me my company's name was from Wipro, he was telling someone else. But some how if i had been given a multiple choice then also I wudn't have voted for him to be in wipro. But thats how it is, what you expect the least happens the most. And as he said wipro, a real good scene came before my eyes, those sexy girls working in wipro. Wipro spectramind has its establishment near my office and gosh!! what sexy girls are working in that call centre. I have always believed and told my friends that the prerequisite for getting into spectramind for a girl must be a good figure and must be beautiful altogether. So whenever wipro's name pops up those scenes always come before me.
Well so all in all I could very easily say that was a software train that was taking the techies to their destinations. Techies who involve themseleves working day and night, developing softwares that will make life easy for many and automating the procedures that has been taking too much time. We have made many a things easier in life but is the life really easy for us? We still have to travel days to reach upto our destinations, we still have to fight for our resevered seats, we still have to stand in long queues to get our tickets done, we still have to go down infront of govt, officials to get the work done, we still have to pay bribe at places to get the work done quickly. Still the world is same fighting on caste marriages, murders for a piece of land, use if people for political favours, banners and posters of the politicians thronging all thorugh the city, drains still getting choked, roads still damaging in one rain, minor rape, old age problems, its just that in a five day working routine we never get time to think that there is world outside the company premises also and more or less I never feel bad about being in that premises as my problems are restricted to that premises for 5 days. The day you step out of that premises for a long time you start to come to terms with the realities of the world and I must say they are very tough then solving the technicalities of a project.
As these thoughts were going in my mind I felt the last light going off in my compartment, all the techies were down on their berths(those two infoscions on one and some techies with waiting ticket were sleeping on the floor too), everyone was too tired as most of them including me have to rush from the office to catch up this train and now I was sure no one wanted technology to be discussed for a week or so, all them wanted to return to their real world, out to face real problems, out to feel real happiness which was with their families not with their colleagues, most of all out of the matrix....
I didn't get to talk to my room mate for past few days, so as I was about to board the train I was giving him some last minute instructions as to that I have kept the rent cheque on dressing table and other things there and that he needs to take care of all that now. He told me that he might not go home this diwali as his leaves are not sanctioned.
I have always wanted to be at home on diwali as like many other guys and gals who are away from their home for studies or job or some other reasons. But for me diwali was the most important of all the festivals and may be not in other fests but I have always wanted to be home at diwali. The coziness and warmth of the family can be felt clearly at this time of the year. Winters start at this time and new year is also near by, may be the feeling of working for the whole year comes in and we become so tired that we want to be with our family and enjoy the last few days of the passing year. And for me one more reason could be the Americans, they also enjoy this time of the year with their chirstmas and new year party with their families and loved ones. So when once my boss asked me to work on diwali and take leave on christmas and new year, my reason was, when they can enjoy their fests then why can't we? I wud go on diwali be whatever. May be an acrimonious feeling has set in me from that time which keeps on reminding me that we are also humans and thats what keeps me up against any injustice and to keep us at par with the americans.
Well whatever be the reason but joining the family on diwali is a feeling which has to be felt and trust me, can't be expressed in words alone. I was ready to board this train called Jhelum Express which will take me to my destination (not exactly though). The scene was not much different then last time when I was borading this train that also happened to be a novemeber day and then too I was going on diwali vacations, so yea it has been an year that I wasn't home and after an year again on diwali holidays I was going to my home.
The train was packed though it has good patches of free spaces to keep your feet ( coz at times it really becomes that bad), mostly the crowd was young, students who have got diwali vacations and working professionals who have taken out a few days of leaves to add to their diwali vacations given by their respective companies.
As I entered my coach and looked for my berth I saw a a group of guys sitting on the seats around me. One of them boasted with the infy t-shirt. Just looked around for a few minutes and set up my luggage and then went out as the train was to start after 10 minutes and sitting in a still train is really boring. So I came out and stood on the window facing my seat to keep an eye on the luggage, the good old words of mom always keep coming in mind whenever I travel,"keep an eye on luggagge", "keep the money in different places", "don't go away too far from your luggage" and so on. Though I must admit I don't follow many of them but yea some of them which even my consciousness tells me are right, I try to follow them according to my convenience.
one of my colleague and friend was also travellling with me so that was sort of good as the journey upto my destination from train is around 22 hrs and yea after that i have a bus journey to do.
The train started and I was till then settled on seat, I had a middle berth and so as the train started so I was sitting on the lower berth with others. I had a sneaking feeling that we are more number of people sitting out there than the number of berths. In one compartment we have 6 berths and 2 berths sideways and the number of people sitting there were around 8 -9 and 3 on the side berths. But I knew from my past experiences that these things are common in a train in India and when groups of boys and girls travel along, many of them sit everywhere except their own seats.
So yea I was sure that was the case. As the train moved on, the usual talking started and slowly and gradually it became a usual indian train. While I was standing on the window side on the station, I saw a guy with a C-DAC bag sitting on my side of the seat, some memories did came flying by. This was the third time that I was going to home in diwali from Pune. The first time I went home from Pune was when I was doing C-DAC and we had mid term break and that time I remember taking my C-DAC bag with me. So yea the memories of first novemeber from Pune came back to me. Pune has always been good in terms of weather and in the months of nov, dec and jan also its not very cold. So that bag reminded me of those days and I thought that some student from C-DAC might be going home and then came the feeling might be he is from my institute so I can have a light chat with him about how the institute is going on and what all has changed and things like that.
But now as I sat their and was listening to the talks of people around me, I came to know that mostly all were working professionals except a few who were I guess preparing for CAT - MBA exams. So I found out through the converstation between them that there were around 3 different groups sitting around me and two of the groups were linked to each other through one person.
Gaurav, if I correctly remember his name was that linking person. These two groups were having berths in our compartment as well as couple of berths after 2 compartments. So one person from their was sitting on our side as he was friendly with a few of them. The usual chat started as where are you going and how many days of holidays have been sacntioned and all that stuff. The guy told that he has just left KPIT and joined Geometric a week ago, the reason? got bored working their so tried in geometric and got through. Technology?? the next question, I thought must be dot net but the reply was VC++. A sense of respect came within me for that person as in this tech field we have been inculcated with the habit of respecting the people working on VC++ and geomertic was a good company after all and I regularly see its building as it is just opposite to my company's building and moreover they are getting their new building up which he also confirms. One day I went to that construction site of geometric and had asked my friend that we can put up a few stones and our names will be in the foundation of geometric.
Another thing that I was amazed was he has just joined the company a week ago and he is going on a 8 -10 days vacation, that was unusual for me coz I have always thought that its not good to ask for leaves initially in company but then geometric is a big company then mine and may be they are having different rules and regulations towards the leaves.
The chatting around me was now in full flow as mostly all of them knew someone or the other around. Subject: company's performance, new technology and the projects.
There at the extereme end of the seat I was sitting on, was that infy guy with a blue infy T-Shirt on with the caption "A billion dollar company". Their was a time when respect generated within me after looking at such t-shirts but now that I am into this industry and know the ins and outs after interviewing many of the fellows these things don't impress much and rather it seems like a show off.
The voices from within comes like 'who the hell are you telling you work in infy?', 'you won't be able to answer simple things if I ask you'. But yea then there is also an accepting voice, oh yea he got through infy and he has all the rite to wear that t-shirt and boast of that achievement.
But fact is also that this is sort of trend in Pune to wear t-shirts of the colleges and institutes you are studying. The first time I was going home in the same train 2 years back there were these students of symbiosis who were donning their colors and so proud as if they have achieved great heights in their lives. Some how I have never liked wearing the organization accessories out of the organization premises or in contests where your are representing your organization.
So this infoscion was talking to this other guy consistently and during their conversation I came to know that the other was also an infoscion though not in infy t-shirt and both were roommates. They were discussing on the proposition of traveling by air rather than train. The other infoscion without t-shirt one was arguing that you people were not decided on the date so he could not fix for air tickets and also they reserved the seats so late that they got one waiting.
What man we are getting 25-26k in hand and still we have to travel by this train which takes almost 2 days to take to our destination, had it been air we would have been their within 3-4 hours, he argued. I smirked at them thought they didn't seemed to notice it. It was true, harsh but true. Eight years back when I used to go to dehradoon for my SSC then also i used to travel in trains and with reservations and now after eight years when I am earning then also i am travelling by trains. The only thing that has changed is that previously dad used to pay for it and now I used to pay myself but other things remain same, the trains, the long time they took, the late schedules of trains and the jostle and fight to get your reserved seat. I also didn't liked this proposition but still didn't had much of a choice. Have read in the newspapers and all that airfares have reduced and all but by how much and how many flights do we have to reach to my place these are the factors that were still hanging in the middle and that’s how we were left with no choice than to travel with train.
I had heard from some one that in mumbai that a person earns 4000 or 40,000 all have to travel by local trains. This seemed true to me for those guys and me too. As I was in these thoughts that I was questioned by someone, 'Are you in cybage too?' I turned my head to see a short, stout and a happy go lucky sort of person asking me that question. No I replied, 'oh many people sitting here work in cybage so I thought that you might also be in that company', I smiled. "Then where do you work?", I was expecting this one,"Digital infotech". " Where's that?" bang on target. Every time I have answered the former question I have been thumped with the latter. I tried to keep it short and sweet and replied "Hinjwadi". No further questions. I have always hated the situation when you have to tell the location of your company after telling the name. I guess that was pretty ordinary, every techie wants to work in such an organization which has got a good name and when someone asks where you work the name should be enough to stop further questions. So that has been my idea too but by and large I was coming to terms with the reality that brand name isn't everything. It was all coz I came to know people working under big names and working on something timid and some working under big names and fetching package far less than me. Initially when people used to insist that brand name is not everything I as a fussy child used to reply ok let me go into such an organization and then I will also say that. But yea when you really come to terms with reality many of your beliefs change and many of your dreams get molded. Today I was more than happy to sit in my company and getting to work in what I was working on but yea still questions like that do bother me till date, so I mostly try to ignore such situations.
The train moved on, after the T.C. has gone by after checking the tickets, my friend who was in the other coach walked in, made some place for him to sit and while we were enjoying a cup of tea I saw both the infoscions climbing to one side berth
I talked to my friend for some time and the talks mostly related to workplace the technicalities surrounding the project, what does H1B mean and what are pros and cons of a business visa and things like that.
There was this guy sitting opposite to me and talking to the other two guys sitting besides him, initially I thought that he is also a working professional but came to know that he is going home for MBA prepartion and after coming he is going to give CAT exams. The usual jokes between them was about how much are you prepared and will you study after reaching home. I remember being much more serious than him while giving CAT the one and only time but yea still didn't got through and a thought came to my mind that after failing CAT he will get enrolled to one of the several B-Schools in the country and ask his parents to pay the hefty fees and after 2 years he will also be joining the job market.
God knows why but if you give me a situation like this then I can wove a complete story out of it, with my ideas and expriences, I have never questioned myself as to is it right or wrong. May be every person is like this or may be I am the only one like this, but I am sure of one thing we can only wove such a story if we have expeirenced something like that or we have seen such a thing happening.
So at last I was happy someone in that compartment is out of the worries of the projects, away from the tensions of reporting to TL's and clean from the office politics.
The person who asked me my company's name was from Wipro, he was telling someone else. But some how if i had been given a multiple choice then also I wudn't have voted for him to be in wipro. But thats how it is, what you expect the least happens the most. And as he said wipro, a real good scene came before my eyes, those sexy girls working in wipro. Wipro spectramind has its establishment near my office and gosh!! what sexy girls are working in that call centre. I have always believed and told my friends that the prerequisite for getting into spectramind for a girl must be a good figure and must be beautiful altogether. So whenever wipro's name pops up those scenes always come before me.
Well so all in all I could very easily say that was a software train that was taking the techies to their destinations. Techies who involve themseleves working day and night, developing softwares that will make life easy for many and automating the procedures that has been taking too much time. We have made many a things easier in life but is the life really easy for us? We still have to travel days to reach upto our destinations, we still have to fight for our resevered seats, we still have to stand in long queues to get our tickets done, we still have to go down infront of govt, officials to get the work done, we still have to pay bribe at places to get the work done quickly. Still the world is same fighting on caste marriages, murders for a piece of land, use if people for political favours, banners and posters of the politicians thronging all thorugh the city, drains still getting choked, roads still damaging in one rain, minor rape, old age problems, its just that in a five day working routine we never get time to think that there is world outside the company premises also and more or less I never feel bad about being in that premises as my problems are restricted to that premises for 5 days. The day you step out of that premises for a long time you start to come to terms with the realities of the world and I must say they are very tough then solving the technicalities of a project.
As these thoughts were going in my mind I felt the last light going off in my compartment, all the techies were down on their berths(those two infoscions on one and some techies with waiting ticket were sleeping on the floor too), everyone was too tired as most of them including me have to rush from the office to catch up this train and now I was sure no one wanted technology to be discussed for a week or so, all them wanted to return to their real world, out to face real problems, out to feel real happiness which was with their families not with their colleagues, most of all out of the matrix....
Monday, November 22, 2004
The Appraisal
I haven't faced such a big interview panel even at the time of my recruitement so it was a bit of surprise for me but neverthless I expected something of this sort coz some of my colleagues have already been interviewed and they told me that there were 3 of them 2 of them were constants which have already been declared at the top of the page, they include my Project Manager and the HR Manager, the remaining variable was initialized at the run time it was either of the HR Executive.
After a long wait this was becoming a more of a dwindling task then anything else. I was told atleast 4 times that the interview would be in half an hour and then something or the other has come in due to which the interview was postponed. Sometimes they couldn't find me on my desk and sometimes something else happened that they interviewed the candidate after me.
I already didn't had the interest in such a useless exercise and postponing the interview on myriad occassions has got my interest to the rock bottom. I always had the believed that these exercises are just to pacify the top management that the HR and Admin department is working. In a small organisation like ours (strength 60 odd) every person knows the other and atleast the TL's and PM does know about who is working and who is not. It's the same story in all the organisation i guess every one know how much a person has worked, what all good has come out of his work and what wrong he did while working.
So I did not have much interest in that appraisal interview as I was sure that the top shots must have decided by now who all should get how much. It was like I was watching a yesteryears drama on doordarshan where before going in the interview room lalaan singh used to knew that he has been selected as his uncle knew the member of the interview panel or coz he is the son of such a such person.
So it was more or less similar to that situation, the only change could be today this was an appraisal interview of a software professional. This was only the second time in my career that I was going to have an appraisal interview, the first time it happened it went a bit sour and the result I left the job. It's like the candidate always feel that he is delivering more to the company then he/she is paid and on the other side of the road the company thinks that he is paying the employees more than the other companies and providing its employees world class eminities and that its employees are always demanding.
The only thing I had interest in was the interview, I have always liked to present my views and when its like the PM sitting there and listening its sort of good. Not that I can't go and put forth my view other times but its like presenting the views at the right time and when asked for and I loved to have cross questions and answering them shrewdly. It was like I also knew that the question asked is tricky and now I have to dodge somehow. You can't always (or I wud say anytime) call a spade a spade in a working environment. Your views should not hurt anyone and also you should present your views, thats the trick because the people sitting out there have big egos and there ears are programmed to listen to some pattern of words.
Whenever you want to present your idea against your superior, "This is a fantastic idea you have put, if I may only add this point to your idea...". For a completely useless solution use, "The solution is good in short run but it may fail in the wrong run.."
So with all those ideas in my mind and with a feel to have some fun I moved on to the conference room after 5 minutes of intimation by the HR himself. It was a chilly day of november, we were going to have our company's party latter in the evening and I was preparing for it too and after that I like many others was looking forward for the diwali vacations. I moved inside...
We have this round glass table in our conference room that I have always liked and have at times thought that when I will have my house in pune then I am gonna put that table up. So the two constants were sitting on the other side of the table and there was a vacant chair on a bit distance from my PM, I soo realised that chair was for the variable and I moved on to the only other vacant chair in the room exactly opposite to the two constants, ready for a half an hour joy ride.
I must admit as they were prepared with some of the questions I was also prepared with some of the answers at that time and I knew where they can catch me and I was also thinking of the points where I can get them grounded, believe or not it was going to be a bull fight, who was the bull remains to be seen.
I still remember my first appraisal procedure it was also my first company. As I completed my one complete year (there was a flat appraisal across the board in first six months and thats why I was in that company) a formal appraisal was due and on my colleagues and my consicousness insistance I went on to the boss to thank him for all the support he has shown me and all the opportunities he has given me to work in the organization. I asked him to provide me the feedback of my one year's work and most of all to remind him of the appraisal through all these talks.
Boss was also shrewd as all the bosses on this earth are, I guess it is one of their attributes, "I will talk to you in sometime about your performance". 2 days passed , 5 days passed, 1 week passed. After 15 days the boss calls me and apologises for the delay, "sorry I got stuck in some work so your appraisal is a bit delayed. I am sending you this document, fill it up and get back to me as soon as possible.
I went on to the desk and opened my mail, I hated all these things as to tell others what all have you worked on and what all have you achieved for the oragnisation. That form was not much different. The questions those followed were very much similar to appraisal questions of any other company.
1) Give a breif description of the projects you worked on and the leads and project managers you have worked under.(Though for me only PM has been my boss and the question presumed that I have worked under more than 1 PM's and I had worked on 2 projects which my Boss was well aware of. So the question seemed to be like I am one of the thousand employees of the organisation that my PM don't have a clue about).
2) Deliverables to the company and the quality of the deliverables.( Do we ever write deliverable quality bad and full of bugs and what can come in case of a programmer in the deliverables section except the code I could never understand why there were so many rows in that section)
3) In which other ways have you beneiftted the company apart from what you are supposed to deliver.( Other ways that I have benefitted company now that was a real tough one, I started thinking for a moment leave aside the company in which ways have I benefitted myself by being in this company, the answer didn't came till long and when it came it wasn't convincing enough so I stopped thinking about my part and meditated on the other ways I have benefitted the company. After a long thought process the answer was 'none', yes 'none' I didn't benefitted company in any other way. It was only I stayed and worked here for 16-18 hrs a day for the company and
4) How do you see your progress in this organisation?(I guess no idiot is going to answer it in negative even if he/she feels it strongly but yea I try to answer this question with utmost sincerity without letting the person sitting on the other side get any bad feel about me.)
5) What are the 3 bad and 3 good things you like about the organisation? (Good things are x,y,z and I still have to find some bad things coz what is bad in my view mite be good after all and it could be my inexperience that I find it bad so I am still not sure about the bad things. Isn't it at good one?? I believed it was when I first answered it and as soon as I completed that answer I said bravo!!. One thing that is to be kept in mind always is that when boss or a person sitting above you asks about the bad things or the weaknesses of the organization or himself/herself, he/she doesn't really mean to listen to your well thought views. Boss has some preconceived idea about that answer and would always love to listen to any answer on those lines, you try to differ by telling them the real weakness and they will rip you apart by asking myriad questions on that one simple answer as to why do you think so? what could be the reason for that weakness? what steps can we take to remove that ? and most important of all you think that is a weakness but is it really a wekaness? After half an hour or may be if your bad luck is really bad then after an hour the boss will make you feel that the weakness you have mentioned is really not a weakness but a mirage created by you and offcourse you will bow down to it and if you will bow down that time then why to waste time bow down initially at least that will save your time.
Once my boss was sharing a smoke with me (offcourse that is a dangerous proposition never take initiative in that unless and until you are compelled to do so) and he said Man!! we are growing at a fast pace much faster than the biggies like Infosys and Indus and I knew at the outset that he is talking about his growth when he said "we" but I didn't mind much as he is also a human after all and he can also get emotional at times without not knowing what he is saying....
6) How has been your relationship with the clients and how did they like your work?(Has any employee remained in a company without having a good relationship with the client....???? hahaha...literally i am laughing guys .....just think for a while about the extent of stupidity of this question. If an employee is not able to keep good relationship with the company's client then can he/she be retained for even one day? You can spoil relationship with anyone in the company and can still afford to be retained in the company but when it comes to the client no one can help you out. You win for yourself and you also loose for yourself in this case. So this question as to how I have been keeping my relationship with my client is complete farce.
Getting back to my current appraisal when the bull was yet to be decided I had taken the seat and was ready for the onslaught and believe me it was all the same as has been the case several times in several lives. Some excerpts:
What are the three things that have helped you grow in the company and three things that have hampered your path of progress?
I must say I didn't give an idea to this question and just went away with what all was their in my mind.
What are your expectations from this appraisal? God I had been dying for this question...my expectations, my expectations as similar to those of any other employee working here would have.
Cross question: what amount you think is suitable ?? I must admit I wasn't ready for this one coz I thought that company would be decent enough not to ask this and moreover ask this to a person like me but now that the googly was thrown so I had to play somehow keeping my wicket intact.
"This is for the organisation to decide as to how good I have been to the company as a resource, I can't quote a figure, it's for you people to decide. "But why can't you quote a figure?" coz if I did and I didn't get that amount then i wud be disappointed, as these words went out of my mouth I knew I am grounded and this has paved the way for further questions and yes they did come and man I played them well enough according to me. "What if you don't get that time?" Now the question was about does money matter to you or not and offcourse it did but to a certain extent and that extent was extreme at this time. If I don't get that amount then i wud have to compromise on some aspects and the organisation has to compromise on some fronts. And I was in no mood to comment on the latter part of my statement but I knew now this is going to be discussed in great deal and it did. I felt like I am walking a tight rope and I have to keep a balance, it was not as though if I will fall everything will end for you but at times you just want to mantain balance for living upto your reputation.
A few other stupid questions came my way which I can promise you had no relation whatsoever with this appraisal, it is like if you have come up to this room let us have some or the other chat. It's like : "Huzoor aapka bhi aehtaram karta chaloon, idhar se gujra tha socha salaam karta chaloon".
Then the last words went up, you have any other question for him? "no I don't", "neither I have something to ask, except that if he wants to ask something himself".
"No, none at all"
Thank you and I walked out....
I haven't faced such a big interview panel even at the time of my recruitement so it was a bit of surprise for me but neverthless I expected something of this sort coz some of my colleagues have already been interviewed and they told me that there were 3 of them 2 of them were constants which have already been declared at the top of the page, they include my Project Manager and the HR Manager, the remaining variable was initialized at the run time it was either of the HR Executive.
After a long wait this was becoming a more of a dwindling task then anything else. I was told atleast 4 times that the interview would be in half an hour and then something or the other has come in due to which the interview was postponed. Sometimes they couldn't find me on my desk and sometimes something else happened that they interviewed the candidate after me.
I already didn't had the interest in such a useless exercise and postponing the interview on myriad occassions has got my interest to the rock bottom. I always had the believed that these exercises are just to pacify the top management that the HR and Admin department is working. In a small organisation like ours (strength 60 odd) every person knows the other and atleast the TL's and PM does know about who is working and who is not. It's the same story in all the organisation i guess every one know how much a person has worked, what all good has come out of his work and what wrong he did while working.
So I did not have much interest in that appraisal interview as I was sure that the top shots must have decided by now who all should get how much. It was like I was watching a yesteryears drama on doordarshan where before going in the interview room lalaan singh used to knew that he has been selected as his uncle knew the member of the interview panel or coz he is the son of such a such person.
So it was more or less similar to that situation, the only change could be today this was an appraisal interview of a software professional. This was only the second time in my career that I was going to have an appraisal interview, the first time it happened it went a bit sour and the result I left the job. It's like the candidate always feel that he is delivering more to the company then he/she is paid and on the other side of the road the company thinks that he is paying the employees more than the other companies and providing its employees world class eminities and that its employees are always demanding.
The only thing I had interest in was the interview, I have always liked to present my views and when its like the PM sitting there and listening its sort of good. Not that I can't go and put forth my view other times but its like presenting the views at the right time and when asked for and I loved to have cross questions and answering them shrewdly. It was like I also knew that the question asked is tricky and now I have to dodge somehow. You can't always (or I wud say anytime) call a spade a spade in a working environment. Your views should not hurt anyone and also you should present your views, thats the trick because the people sitting out there have big egos and there ears are programmed to listen to some pattern of words.
Whenever you want to present your idea against your superior, "This is a fantastic idea you have put, if I may only add this point to your idea...". For a completely useless solution use, "The solution is good in short run but it may fail in the wrong run.."
So with all those ideas in my mind and with a feel to have some fun I moved on to the conference room after 5 minutes of intimation by the HR himself. It was a chilly day of november, we were going to have our company's party latter in the evening and I was preparing for it too and after that I like many others was looking forward for the diwali vacations. I moved inside...
We have this round glass table in our conference room that I have always liked and have at times thought that when I will have my house in pune then I am gonna put that table up. So the two constants were sitting on the other side of the table and there was a vacant chair on a bit distance from my PM, I soo realised that chair was for the variable and I moved on to the only other vacant chair in the room exactly opposite to the two constants, ready for a half an hour joy ride.
I must admit as they were prepared with some of the questions I was also prepared with some of the answers at that time and I knew where they can catch me and I was also thinking of the points where I can get them grounded, believe or not it was going to be a bull fight, who was the bull remains to be seen.
I still remember my first appraisal procedure it was also my first company. As I completed my one complete year (there was a flat appraisal across the board in first six months and thats why I was in that company) a formal appraisal was due and on my colleagues and my consicousness insistance I went on to the boss to thank him for all the support he has shown me and all the opportunities he has given me to work in the organization. I asked him to provide me the feedback of my one year's work and most of all to remind him of the appraisal through all these talks.
Boss was also shrewd as all the bosses on this earth are, I guess it is one of their attributes, "I will talk to you in sometime about your performance". 2 days passed , 5 days passed, 1 week passed. After 15 days the boss calls me and apologises for the delay, "sorry I got stuck in some work so your appraisal is a bit delayed. I am sending you this document, fill it up and get back to me as soon as possible.
I went on to the desk and opened my mail, I hated all these things as to tell others what all have you worked on and what all have you achieved for the oragnisation. That form was not much different. The questions those followed were very much similar to appraisal questions of any other company.
1) Give a breif description of the projects you worked on and the leads and project managers you have worked under.(Though for me only PM has been my boss and the question presumed that I have worked under more than 1 PM's and I had worked on 2 projects which my Boss was well aware of. So the question seemed to be like I am one of the thousand employees of the organisation that my PM don't have a clue about).
2) Deliverables to the company and the quality of the deliverables.( Do we ever write deliverable quality bad and full of bugs and what can come in case of a programmer in the deliverables section except the code I could never understand why there were so many rows in that section)
3) In which other ways have you beneiftted the company apart from what you are supposed to deliver.( Other ways that I have benefitted company now that was a real tough one, I started thinking for a moment leave aside the company in which ways have I benefitted myself by being in this company, the answer didn't came till long and when it came it wasn't convincing enough so I stopped thinking about my part and meditated on the other ways I have benefitted the company. After a long thought process the answer was 'none', yes 'none' I didn't benefitted company in any other way. It was only I stayed and worked here for 16-18 hrs a day for the company and
4) How do you see your progress in this organisation?(I guess no idiot is going to answer it in negative even if he/she feels it strongly but yea I try to answer this question with utmost sincerity without letting the person sitting on the other side get any bad feel about me.)
5) What are the 3 bad and 3 good things you like about the organisation? (Good things are x,y,z and I still have to find some bad things coz what is bad in my view mite be good after all and it could be my inexperience that I find it bad so I am still not sure about the bad things. Isn't it at good one?? I believed it was when I first answered it and as soon as I completed that answer I said bravo!!. One thing that is to be kept in mind always is that when boss or a person sitting above you asks about the bad things or the weaknesses of the organization or himself/herself, he/she doesn't really mean to listen to your well thought views. Boss has some preconceived idea about that answer and would always love to listen to any answer on those lines, you try to differ by telling them the real weakness and they will rip you apart by asking myriad questions on that one simple answer as to why do you think so? what could be the reason for that weakness? what steps can we take to remove that ? and most important of all you think that is a weakness but is it really a wekaness? After half an hour or may be if your bad luck is really bad then after an hour the boss will make you feel that the weakness you have mentioned is really not a weakness but a mirage created by you and offcourse you will bow down to it and if you will bow down that time then why to waste time bow down initially at least that will save your time.
Once my boss was sharing a smoke with me (offcourse that is a dangerous proposition never take initiative in that unless and until you are compelled to do so) and he said Man!! we are growing at a fast pace much faster than the biggies like Infosys and Indus and I knew at the outset that he is talking about his growth when he said "we" but I didn't mind much as he is also a human after all and he can also get emotional at times without not knowing what he is saying....
6) How has been your relationship with the clients and how did they like your work?(Has any employee remained in a company without having a good relationship with the client....???? hahaha...literally i am laughing guys .....just think for a while about the extent of stupidity of this question. If an employee is not able to keep good relationship with the company's client then can he/she be retained for even one day? You can spoil relationship with anyone in the company and can still afford to be retained in the company but when it comes to the client no one can help you out. You win for yourself and you also loose for yourself in this case. So this question as to how I have been keeping my relationship with my client is complete farce.
Getting back to my current appraisal when the bull was yet to be decided I had taken the seat and was ready for the onslaught and believe me it was all the same as has been the case several times in several lives. Some excerpts:
What are the three things that have helped you grow in the company and three things that have hampered your path of progress?
I must say I didn't give an idea to this question and just went away with what all was their in my mind.
What are your expectations from this appraisal? God I had been dying for this question...my expectations, my expectations as similar to those of any other employee working here would have.
Cross question: what amount you think is suitable ?? I must admit I wasn't ready for this one coz I thought that company would be decent enough not to ask this and moreover ask this to a person like me but now that the googly was thrown so I had to play somehow keeping my wicket intact.
"This is for the organisation to decide as to how good I have been to the company as a resource, I can't quote a figure, it's for you people to decide. "But why can't you quote a figure?" coz if I did and I didn't get that amount then i wud be disappointed, as these words went out of my mouth I knew I am grounded and this has paved the way for further questions and yes they did come and man I played them well enough according to me. "What if you don't get that time?" Now the question was about does money matter to you or not and offcourse it did but to a certain extent and that extent was extreme at this time. If I don't get that amount then i wud have to compromise on some aspects and the organisation has to compromise on some fronts. And I was in no mood to comment on the latter part of my statement but I knew now this is going to be discussed in great deal and it did. I felt like I am walking a tight rope and I have to keep a balance, it was not as though if I will fall everything will end for you but at times you just want to mantain balance for living upto your reputation.
A few other stupid questions came my way which I can promise you had no relation whatsoever with this appraisal, it is like if you have come up to this room let us have some or the other chat. It's like : "Huzoor aapka bhi aehtaram karta chaloon, idhar se gujra tha socha salaam karta chaloon".
Then the last words went up, you have any other question for him? "no I don't", "neither I have something to ask, except that if he wants to ask something himself".
"No, none at all"
Thank you and I walked out....
Wednesday, November 26, 2003
THE STRUGGLE:
The Japanese have always loved fresh fish. But
the waters close to
Japan have not held many fish for decades. So to
feed the Japanese
population, fishing boats got bigger and went
farther than ever. The
farther the fishermen went, the longer it took to
bring in the fish.
If the return trip took more than a few
days, the fish were not
fresh. The Japanese did not like the taste. To
solve this problem,
fishing companies installed freezers on their
boats. They would catch
the fish and freeze them at sea. Freezers allowed
the boats to go
farther and stay longer. However, the Japanese
could taste the
difference between fresh and frozen and they did
not like frozen fish.
The frozen fish brought a lower price. So
fishing companies
installed fish tanks. They would catch the fish
and stuff them in the
tanks, fin to fin. After a little thrashing
around, the fish stopped
moving. They were tired and dull, but alive.
Unfortunately, the
Japanese could still taste the difference.
Because the fish did not
move for days, they lost their fresh-fish taste.
The Japanese preferred
the lively taste of fresh fish, not sluggish
fish. So how did Japanese
fishing companies solve this problem? How do they
get fresh-tasting
fish to Japan?
If you were consulting the fish industry,
what would you recommend?
As soon as you reach your goals, such as
finding a wonderful mate,
starting a successful company, paying off your
debts or whatever, you
might lose your passion. You don't need to work
so hard so you relax.
You experience the same problem as lottery
winners who waste their
money, wealthy heirs who never grow up and bored
homemakers who get
addicted to prescription drugs.
Like the Japanese fish problem, the best
solution is simple. It was
observed by L. Ron Hubbard in the early 1950's.
"Man thrives, oddly enough, only in the
presence of a challenging
environment."- L. Ron Hubbard
The Benefits of a Challenge:
The more intelligent, persistent and
competent you are, the more
you enjoy a good problem. If your challenges are
the correct size, and
if you are steadily conquering those challenges,
you are happy. You
think of your challenges and get energized. You
are excited to try new
solutions. You have fun. You are alive!
How Japanese Fish Stay Fresh:
To keep the fish tasting fresh, the Japanese
fishing companies still
put the fish in the tanks. But now they add a
small shark to each tank.
The shark eats a few fish, but most of the fish
arrive in a very lively
state. The fish are challenged.
Recommendations:
Instead of avoiding challenges, jump into
them. Beat the heck out
of them. Enjoy the game. If your challenges are
too large or too
numerous, do not give up. Failing makes you
tired. Instead, reorganize.
Find more determination, more knowledge, more
help.
If you have met your goals, set some bigger
goals. Once you meet
your personal or family needs, move onto goals
for your group, the
society, even mankind. Don't create success and
lie in it. You have
resources, skills and abilities to make a
difference.
Put a shark in your tank and see how far you
can really go!
The Japanese have always loved fresh fish. But
the waters close to
Japan have not held many fish for decades. So to
feed the Japanese
population, fishing boats got bigger and went
farther than ever. The
farther the fishermen went, the longer it took to
bring in the fish.
If the return trip took more than a few
days, the fish were not
fresh. The Japanese did not like the taste. To
solve this problem,
fishing companies installed freezers on their
boats. They would catch
the fish and freeze them at sea. Freezers allowed
the boats to go
farther and stay longer. However, the Japanese
could taste the
difference between fresh and frozen and they did
not like frozen fish.
The frozen fish brought a lower price. So
fishing companies
installed fish tanks. They would catch the fish
and stuff them in the
tanks, fin to fin. After a little thrashing
around, the fish stopped
moving. They were tired and dull, but alive.
Unfortunately, the
Japanese could still taste the difference.
Because the fish did not
move for days, they lost their fresh-fish taste.
The Japanese preferred
the lively taste of fresh fish, not sluggish
fish. So how did Japanese
fishing companies solve this problem? How do they
get fresh-tasting
fish to Japan?
If you were consulting the fish industry,
what would you recommend?
As soon as you reach your goals, such as
finding a wonderful mate,
starting a successful company, paying off your
debts or whatever, you
might lose your passion. You don't need to work
so hard so you relax.
You experience the same problem as lottery
winners who waste their
money, wealthy heirs who never grow up and bored
homemakers who get
addicted to prescription drugs.
Like the Japanese fish problem, the best
solution is simple. It was
observed by L. Ron Hubbard in the early 1950's.
"Man thrives, oddly enough, only in the
presence of a challenging
environment."- L. Ron Hubbard
The Benefits of a Challenge:
The more intelligent, persistent and
competent you are, the more
you enjoy a good problem. If your challenges are
the correct size, and
if you are steadily conquering those challenges,
you are happy. You
think of your challenges and get energized. You
are excited to try new
solutions. You have fun. You are alive!
How Japanese Fish Stay Fresh:
To keep the fish tasting fresh, the Japanese
fishing companies still
put the fish in the tanks. But now they add a
small shark to each tank.
The shark eats a few fish, but most of the fish
arrive in a very lively
state. The fish are challenged.
Recommendations:
Instead of avoiding challenges, jump into
them. Beat the heck out
of them. Enjoy the game. If your challenges are
too large or too
numerous, do not give up. Failing makes you
tired. Instead, reorganize.
Find more determination, more knowledge, more
help.
If you have met your goals, set some bigger
goals. Once you meet
your personal or family needs, move onto goals
for your group, the
society, even mankind. Don't create success and
lie in it. You have
resources, skills and abilities to make a
difference.
Put a shark in your tank and see how far you
can really go!
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